Sometimes I hate that all my friends & family can follow every cyber move I make. That's a lot of pressure right there.

I don't believe that what I believe is what makes me who I am. Not alone. I mean - I run into people every single day that proclaim to love Christ and people but they are incredibly rude or uncaring. Am I supposed to completely warp my initial judgement of their behavior simply because I learn that they're a "Christian"? Please. That's fickle. I get that all it takes for God to grant us forgiveness is a belief in Him or faith, if you will. So obviously, to God, in this way, what I believe makes me who I am. But does that mean that what I do or say doesn't mold me into who I am? Absolutely not! What I do and what I say matters. So I can't just go around proclaiming, "It's okay, everything's alright, cause I believe in Jesus, guys." I can't just let what I proclaim to believe define how the world percieves me. I think it's silly for someone, or a song, to proclaim that what a person simply believes is all that makes that person who they are. Take Third Day's "Creed" for instance...

Righteousness, Emergent-style

So, I'm reading my Twitter updates this morning with my normal cup o' Joe, and I stumble across this book critique of John Piper's old book "The Future of Justification". The article was tweeted by @emergentvillage, a church on the forefront of the sort of new Emergent Church fad. Since they are probably the biggest Christian proponents of unity through the Gospel, I thought it was ironic that @emergentvillage was tweeting a criticism of reformed theology, of which Piper is a supporter. I considered myself a hedonist for a little while when I was in college. Now, Emergents are known for their radical inclusivity, which on one hand is great; God loves us all, He adores His Creation, and desires that we all would repent and draw nearer to Him through faith in Him. But this article in and of itself is a little too critical to be "wholly" Emergent. The premise of criticising another Christian's theology, or in their faulty conclusions, isn't very inclusive. Nor is it very radical (since everyone and their moms are doing it nowadays).

But I thought the article was interesting, and had some good points on the righteousness of God.

Piper argues in this chapter against Wright’s definition of the righteousness of God as ‘God’s covenant faithfulness or impartiality in court’ that this does not get at the heart of what God’s righteousness is: it merely highlights a couple of things that God’s righteousness does (Piper, The Future of Justification, 164). God’s righteousness is really much deeper than either of these things. It is fundamentally his commitment to do what is right; it ‘consists most deeply in God’s unwavering allegiance to himself’; it is ‘his unswerving commitment to uphold the worth of his glory’ – and he demands the same ‘righteousness’ from us, that we ‘unwaveringly love and uphold the glory of God’.

I guess the rift between the Emergent and Reformed fellow won't be resolved for a while.

Going to the beach tomorrow!

Yay! I'm going to the beach tomorrow morning while Joy's at work. I have to work in the evening but it's gonna be SO much more glorious after some hours soaking up the sun. I'm gonna miss the sand and waves way too much when I'm in Minnesota.

Yesterday at the aquarium I closed Guest Services for the first time. Of course, it also happened to be the busiest, most packed, crazy day the aquarium has had ALL summer. I think we had something like 9,500 people that entire day, and almost a thousand people in the place at one point. Um.

I was doing alright beforehand, trying to prep myself. Cause I mean, this is kinda a big deal. Guest services is the center of the aquarium mecca, you have to know this and that, where to go and what to do whenever there's a problem... and then my boss walks up to me all solemn and is kind enough to remind me of my bad rap with cash drawers, even though since they put me back on drawers a couple weeks ago, I've either been perfect on my drawer or short/over just a few cents. But she's the one who put me on the schedule to close guest services by myself... just last week! For serious? That totally ruined whatever calm I'd created and I felt like everyone was waiting for me to make mistakes left and right. Because there's A LOT more to do at guest services than outside selling tickets. She let me know she had little faith in me to do well on my first day. After the past couple weeks of working on being perfect on my drawer, she had to pull me aside and let that loose. Not the best way to start work.

Anyway... I learned a lot, most of it the hard way, no breaks, eight hours straight of grumpy people, sassy guests, flustered kids. But I made it through and all is ok. I get to close it again on Saturday which usually aren't as busy, so this time I'll be more prepared. Still, it had to be the most overwhelming day of my life. I've never juggled so much responsibility, but oddly, it was refreshing at the end of the day. To know I'd accomplished something pretty big, for me at least, was a good feeling.

Have I mentioned it's been two months since I talked to God? I am ridiculously distant - that's an understatement. The good news is that there's no guilt anymore. I feel like a weight's been lifted, like some horrible, eternal responsibility has left me. It feels like - freedom? How ironic is that? When the central message of the Bible is freedom in Christ? I'm finding happiness and joy in the little things. I'm learning more in these few summer months than I learned in four years at a closeted, private university. Peace, understanding, being myself around people rather than putting up a front, like most of the past four, delicate years in college.

That's gotta be a step in the right direction.

And I've never been more ready to get into a volunteer position that works towards eradicating social injustice. I want to help the poor. I want to really experience the Gospel in a real, living way, instead of experiencing stale Christians and wayward religious tradition. All of this and I still want to find some way back to God. But... I can't. There's just too much to swallow and I physically can't do it right now.

Yikes. But I am learning about myself, and I'm sure God will reveal Himself in time.

On my days off, my diet consists of lots of twittering, locally grown peaches & Folgers breakfast blend. All were particularly delish today.

Can we choose who we forgive?

Jesus says to his followers to forgive. That's it. Forgive. There's no small print there, no secondary clauses that might have us pause... no adverb to support his command besides, perhaps, "freely".

So what makes us think we can choose who we forgive? My family is notorious for holding grudges. Except for maybe my dad, who lets everything roll off like water off a duck's back. But everyone else holds grudges like you wouldn't believe. "I just can't forgive her for doing that to me. I still feel betrayed." I've heard this a lot from my sis since moving in with her this summer. She is starting to loathe her job and especially her relationship with her coworkers. She's let some potentially hurtful situations rule her perspective and of course, she feels like the victim in every case. I've asked her why her coworkers seem to be "out to get her" as she puts it, and always her response is an "I dunno. I don't understand why!" And of course she is %100 certain that all her rude coworkers are hurtful to her on purpose. She's still holding grudges for happenings from months ago...

She won't forget the things that turned her against them and neither will she forgive them, unless they come to her and apologize or do something else utterly redemptive. The point is that they don't deserve forgiveness. They don't do anything that would merit your forgiveness. It's freely letting go of your right to judge them. It doesn't make sense, right? But the world would definitely be a better place with it.

I think free forgiveness - no catches, no glitches, no ultimatums - should be upheld even outside of Jesus' remarks. And I know I'm not the first person to remark on this issue of forgiveness but this is at least the dozenth rant I've heard from my sis about her job and this needed to get out somehow...

So there's a God. A creator...

...now what?

This question has been on my heart a thousand times this past month. I'm experiencing the driest spiritual period of my life, and part of me doesn't care, or doesn't know how to go about fixing it even if more than half of me did. I believe that the universe was created but... where to go from here? When I don't feel the Spirit or experience Him in my life anymore, when I don't have Christian community, when I'm not inspired by the Word, it's like I'm starting all over from scratch. What is my faith without all of the above? All I seem to have left is my logic, and so that's how I approached my problem, going back to the beginning, trying to figure out if the universe, this world, my family, could have been created by Something. I can't ignore the facts that support a Creator's existence, but that's all I can say now. While this could be considered a giant leap closer to Jesus and Christianity, I don't quite feel that way. It's not that easy for me to just jump into this religion again.

The world is so anti-Christianity that it's hard to not take their side, you know? First there's the media. I never see anything on television, or on the radio, or in the movies, that portray Jesus in a supportive light. Except of course, K-Love, or TBN, or that Kirk Cameron movie that came out this spring... But that doesn't count, since those programs and movies are ENTIRELY shaped for a Christian audience, I don't care what they say about their ministry objectives. No athiest or struggling believer is going to sit there and willingly submit to "Praise the Lord" on TBN and join in their worship. Any semi-famous person that quotes Scripture is ridiculed by everyone. When I think of how many people see Christians as ridiculous fairies - surely the majority of the world feels this way - how can I not be discouraged from it? If millions upon millions hate Christians or think of this religion as storybook stupidity, how does that support my chances of feeling exactly the opposite? Not to mention how terrible people have been at the aquarium I'm working at. I see thousands of guests a day to sell tickets to them, hear about their complaints and try to make them happy, and you know the worst of them are the ones with gold crosses hanging around their necks. They're the people wearing "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts, or the groups from nearby Christian academies. Every completely rude person that I see wearing a cross places one more tick on the side against Christianity. I think - if I see all these people claim to be Christian and yet are complete jerks to me, how is Christianity supposed to work for me? It obviously isn't working out for them, for as C.S. Lewis says, "Growth for Christians means getting nicer" in his book Mere Christianity, more or less. Of course to Lewis there is more than that for growth but generally he says that people walking with the Lord should become nicer people over time. Outside of the time alotted every Sunday church service for greeting the people around you, the Christians I've known this summer are jerks, insensitive, uncaring & selfish people. Now aren't I the same? How do those people see me?

All this brings me to the attractiveness of just Jesus. Not Christianity, not Christians, not the religion or traditions or ceremonies. Just Jesus. He's the only thing fleetingly getting through my uncaring staleness. But is it possible follow Jesus Christ and not be associated with Christianity or crappy organized religion or all the other things out there horribly representing Him?

I'm going to kill Joy's dog before the summer's over.

That is all.

Oh & happy Indedpendence Day! I'll be working all day. These late days at the aquarium this week are wearing me out. Hoping they play the "Star Spangled Banner" on repeat all day instead of the usual "Canon in D". So tired of listening to it play all day...

I'm so sick of hypocritical Christians! For serious!

That's part of my paranoia with getting back into Jesus. There's so much potential for me to end up being a hypocrite about it all. I'm ridiculously sick sick sick of logging onto Facebook, and seeing old friends who had no moral compass when I knew them, starting up groups raising support for their African missions trip. There are so many people who are cloaking themselves in the Christian banner but aren't letting Jesus be more than just that, a cover. So it's really weird for me to log onto Facebook and see people who I never would have thought followed Christ from knowing them suddenly proclaiming their heart for Africa or their desire to be youth ministers. It's astounding to me how persistent people are about making sure everyone else knows about their beliefs on the social front. But behind closed doors, their character says otherwise in a major way.

I'm afraid to call myself Christian and be public about it because I know that I am no different. I'm such a hypocrite it isn't even funny. I've got to be the most judgemental person on the planet, yet doesn't the Bible plainly say God is the only Judge? So really all this talk against others should be spat out at me.

Fresh basil. My friend from work gave me a bag of fresh basil last night and even though I'm sure I won't use it for anything, I probably spend the next few nights just smelling it. Smelling basil leaves always makes me want to get on my hands and knees in the dirt and create a huge, flourishing garden.

And then there's probably the best smell in the world - fresh, ground coffee. There's nothing like it! One of the best parts of my morning is opening up the Maxwell House container and just inhaling. This is probably why I could never work in a coffee shop; I'd be too distracted.

Then there's nutmeg. Cloves. Probably the most Christmas-y scent out there.

I adore the smell of new shoes. It's hard to resist popping into Shoe Carnival or Payless when I'm walking by. What else? I definitely don't like the smell of cut grass. It always reminds me of the HPU maitenance crew mowing the hill outside my dorm in ungodly hours of the morning for the past few years. It triggers unpleasant memories...

If I still have a sense of smell in the afterlife, I hope that it's super-enhanced, so that I can smell all of my favorite things at the same time with stronger intensity. This morning, after smelling all of these and triggering happy memories, that is my ideal view of heaven.

Makin' friends, plans...

I got an email from a couple friends of mine the other day. They're actually a couple and they both led my Saturday morning small group this last semester. It was sweet and kind and heartfelt, and I gushed over being loved and appreciated. An affirmation of our friendship. I felt warm and pleasant and all I'd been looking for for the past few months...

Today I finalized plans to visit my far away friend, Amy. She's a wonderful friend and we've been close ever since we shared a room and a housekeeping job together in Daytona Beach a couple years back. She's one of those fabulous relationships that is mostly over the phone, so there's not a lot being held back with her. Well, almost nothing. I spoke with her tonight for the first time since getting my cell phone stolen and I didn't tell her about how I've been getting - no, bolting - further away from God by the minute, and getting more complacent about the whole thing. A particular soft part of me feels as if I should be open about this to my friends. But embarassment and reserve keep me from saying anything to anyone. How long can I keep this under wraps? How long until this distance becomes ridiculously obvious and starts impacting every facet of my life? Probably not long. I won't be able to get through a whole weekend with Amy without her thinking something is weird or amiss. Like the fact that I won't be praying, or avoiding the subject of God in general. We met on a missions trip so God will no doubt be on subject. And then I'm getting coffee with a Crusade staff member the following week that was on that project too.

It's as if God were trying to get to me... if only I could throw off this complacency.

Medjool dates...

I absolutely LOVE dates. The fruit, I mean. And not just any kind, but plump, chewy, Medjool dates. You can't get them everywhere and they're only available during certain times of the summer. Suffice to say that there are no Trader Joe's or World Markets here in suburban SC, but Food Lion down the street did have their own brand of chopped (and covered with powdery dextrose, a type of sugar) dates... not as delish, but they get the job done. I decided I wanted to share the joy of dates with someone, so after dropping Joy off at work this morning, I went downtown to the Riverwalk and shared my dates with God, and we had a little chat down by the river.

We talked about Governor Samford, my hardened heart, and by golly we gushed over the exquisiteness of Medjool dates. I'm convinced there's no better snack out there, and after sharing them with God today, there's none holier, either.

Reassessing.

Lately I've been desiring to reassess life, Jesus, where exactly He and I stand, and just how I really feel about this whole Christianity thing.

It's been more than a week since my falling out, and the most palpable outcome is the emptiness. The emptiness I feel is real and tangible. I admitted to my sister today how much purpose I find in my work at Ripley's, and how depressed and angry I am when I have days off. Where is my purpose found now? My worth? In my job at Ripley's Aquarium. Talk about a red flag, especially when it's all written out like this...

Then there's the logic behind my decision to simply deny Him (or whatever it is that happened between "God" and I last weeekend); I have not felt His presence, felt the need to go to Scripture, to pray, to confess, to be Christian in any way, to do anything that would have me pursue Him. I keep having athiestic thoughts, thinking of all the evidence in my life stacked up against His existence, and I really want to embrace the idea and be done with it. Make a stinking decision already, you know? Love Him or hate Him. Embrace Him or deny Him. But I began reading this magazine called "Y-Origins" put out by, who else, Campus Crusade for Christ, given to me by a dear friend when I was having the same issues my senior year in college. It's a project that was initiated by CCC founder Bill Bright, and it's basically a logical look into the justification for a designer. Yes, it's full of very convincing information. Yes, the rational side of my brain went ahead and accepted the existence of some Creator after reading through the articles again. But no, my spirituality hasn't grown past that. Apart from the incredibly convincing magazine (it's all about Einstein's String Theory, who knew?) I just don't see or feel or experience His presence when I look outside at the beautiful mossy trees, or survey my life, or look out on the utter destruction humanity's laid across its home planet. Nothing apart from the logical arguments presented in the magazine has convinced me there's a Creator, let alone that He loves me, that He pursues me with His love, that He gave and gave and gave so that I might live and give Him glory or even want to give Him glory.

So as far as the religious side of things, I'm still lost. My mind understands that God is present but that's it... Christianity is still a big question mark. It's becoming a hard pill to swallow. I keep zeroing in on all these fallen people trying to come off as perfect Christians, or focusing in on every fault of my Christian friends and tallying them. It's hard not to be discouraged looking at Christianity, and who can blame me? I don't see many people out there proclaiming their depravity, or confessing their sins, or living up to standards other than worldly ones, or reaching out to anyone past themselves and their friends.

All this aside, the emptiness I began to feel a few days ago is still here. I still feel purposeless without my job to keep me busy. I remember my life in Daytona and how purpose driven I was, to follow Christ and further His Kingdom and give Him all the glory and more. I'd love to have that back, that sense of purpose. Knowing that there's more to my life than bloggging on here or spending my hours at the aquarium, pleasing tons of people. But it's not as easy as it was back then, when living with fifty other followers, all with the same God-glorifying mission, made the Gospel some sugar-coated candy that was simple to swallow and share too... heck when everyone else around you is doing it, why should it be hard for you? But Christianity is so much harder nowadays without the support, and I can't bring myself to fall on my knees and bare my life - bruises and shame and all - in front of "God" and beg for forgiveness. I just can't, when I don't even know if I can swallow Christianity anymore - when I'm merely at the point of understanding a Creator's presence solely in the logical, left side of my mind.

But I can't deny the empty I feel, or the lack of purpose. I just can't bring myself to the point where I can understand where to even begin finding that ultimate, or holy, purpose again. Here's to hoping.

P.S. I'm sorry for sounding so depressing, it's the middle of the night and I'm listening to a lot of Muse lately.

All of this for perhaps... a better, more real, defined view of grace? Or that I simply cannot do this on my own? I always thought I understood 'dependence' on the Holy Spirit, but have I really? Is this gonna teach me how to really rely on God for all of it? To show me that I really don't have it down pat like I thought I did or projected to everyone? Hmm.

How do people do it?

Jazz is great for calming me down.

Man, is that the truth. I love Jazz, all kinds except "acid" from the 60s and the more cringe-tacular "flute" jazz birthed in the 70s. So generally I love Jazz music. Okay, what I really mean is I like Miles Davis. Most of his melodies go down smooth and I think the trumpet can be one of the sweetest sounding instruments when it's played right. The point is, I love Miles because he calms me down. I need some calming. Honestly... today was terrible. And by terrible I mean horrific according to comfortable American standards, of course. I say all this in lieu of being exposed a ton to Compassion International and the plight of impovershed families around the world this past month, and so with this in mind I understand how spoiled rotten I am to have clean water and my own bed to sleep in, but please, I want to rant. So lucky I have this blog where I can do just that...

I've been feeling unproductive and detached lately, and the newness of Myrtle Beach and Ripley's Aquarium is wearing off quickly and unexpectedly. The community thing, it turns out, is still hard. It's like experiencing genuine or even good community is the most complicated puzzle there ever was or ever will be, and I am searching and waiting for the perfect solution or some smidge of an answer that might unlock this ridiculous contraption... so all that going on, and my quiet times are lacking, I can't remember the last time I regularly confessed to the Lord through out the day and I've already made and lost the same friends at work. In the same month.

Okay so all of this and today, I start to feel depression a'creepin'. Creep it does, slowly but surely, ready to ruin my perspective - and for me, it's all about perspective - and so I'm just waiting for it to go away. And then in the middle I'm like, "Okay Alicia, you for real need to get outta bed and just bike ride or something." So I head out to downtown Conway, and it was fine, listening to my favorite mewithoutYou and pedalling away. Then I hit a terrible pot hole, and my bike started wheezing, and naturally I assumed it was one of my tires messed up from earlier. I tried, for almost an hour straight, to pump air back into my front tire, but for all my work I just made it worse. My tire was wholly flat in a matter of minutes, and the pump just wasn't working. That plus the fact that as I'm sitting there in blazing heat, tens of people walk or boat on by, oggling and staring... at that point I was a thirty minute ride from home, a good fifteen minutes more with a flat tire. The sun was going down, and I started to panic a little, since we're not in the best part of town. So I sat there and breathed and prayed that God would fix my tire magically, or help me to fix it, or that at least something 'good' would come from the whole experience. I prayed for comfort, prayed that the Holy Spirit would fill me, that I would stop being so nasty and negative about it all. And then... all that really came was more frustration from me, an even more flat tire if it were possible, exhuastion from trying for almost an hour straight to pump the tire back to life, me covered in sweat, and more of the same people walking by but this time, ignoring me and my impatient huffs. I gave up and began riding my bike back home anyway, and let me tell you riding a bike with a flat tire is like swimming through mud with 100 mph wind resistance. Just saying. As I squeaked my way home, it hit me hard that God had not answered my prayer the way I'd wanted, which seeemed unfair, as I gave him multiple options... and it hit me even harder, way down in the bowels of my heart, that God had rather answered with a big fat "NO!" and decided to make the whole experience worse as it went on, as it surely did. And poppycock to everyone who is saying to me right now "It is just God testing your faith so it will grow big and strong," because my faith is no bigger and all that resulted was a heart that felt abandoned. On my way home my bike lock fell apart and when I couldn't put it back together, I spat out a curse word, and I am one of the biggest prudes in the world and my family will tell you all about how I never curse... and so began a quiet (or not so quiet) rebelling against God in my heart. Hurt from rejection, still lost in negativity from my bout of depression earlier, and bitter because my poor pedalling legs were about to fall off.

These are times when I doubt like no other mother, where I let sinfulness pour into me and I do a lot of stupid stuff, like curse to the winds, steal something of my sister's, eat all sorts of unhealthy things in huge quantities, scream haphazardly at the dog for getting on my nerves, all that stuff. I start thinking about my salvation, and what it means, and if all this 'duty' is really worth it, and doubting whether I am really into this whole Christian thing, because it doesn't seem to be working out so well.

After today I feel like I've broken up with God.

This is possibly the worst movie I've seen. It's called "The Messengers" and it's on Lifetime - what more could I expect? It's dripping with melodramatism, stuttering lines and a crappy story line. Transition into the topic that's been on my mind a lot, especially today...

Criticism. I'm so critical. Christians are so critical too, I've noticed... I'm so tired of Christians calling others "idiots" or "brainless". Aren't we called to be different? How is a Christian calling Richard Dawkins a brainless idiot different than Bill Maher calling the Bible the "Jewish book of fairytales"? I've seen and heard it a lot today and it's discouraging.

What's also discouraging is realizing how much I still live for myself. Even after two years since accepting God's grace for me I am still doing and saying things that would make people like me more. Haven't I improved at all? Right now, not that I can see or hear or touch.

How obsessed I am about my own improvement! Of course that's not the point of the Gospel. I'm too concerned with how God's grace will change me and make me better, transform me into ALICIA 2.0 or something like that, rather than being concerned with devotion. Or compassion, servitude, or love... surrendering to the Holy Spirit's leading to further God's name and kingdom and glory.

I'll be working on that.

Just got home from a poop day at work, too many disgruntled people, too many people in general, too many computer jams, too MUCH. I am convicted a lot lately, and that's a good thing I suppose, because that means the Holy Ghost is a-movin'. Like about how I am treating people. And why I treat people the way I do... for my own gain? I read a little today from Elisabeth Eliot about obedience and kept thinking about Whom I serve. Myself? My best friends? My best friend ever, Jesus?

Now I'm making dinner for Joy and I. Grilling burgers! I'm a modern Bobby Flay. Well not really "modern"... since he's definitely still alive and throwing down on the Food Network. I'll settle to be a younger, more hip version I suppose!

Actually...

This article doesn't do a great job of fortifying the claim that, in fact, God hates all women. Funny though how she mentions the whole submission thing; I was just explaining to my sister last night about the importance of being pursued by a spiritual leader, why I wanted my husband to be one, and how it's Biblically sound to have the man be the head of the family and for the woman to be his helper - the way we were created. She really seemed disgusted by the "inequality" as she called it, and kept asking why I referred to the Bible's - a.k.a. God's - view on relationships when it is "so obviously out-dated". The article is blatantly biased but mostly what sucks is reading it and not being able to deny that people actually do crazy and horrific things like this. Not only that, but they do it believing they are justified before God.

God is merciful, but only if you're a man
Jew, Christian or Muslim... whatever the faith, women are still treated with disdain or worse

Ophelia Benson
The Observer, Sunday 31 May 2009

There is plenty to criticise in Islam's view of women. Last year, the Observer told the story of a man in Basra who stamped on, suffocated and then stabbed to death his 17-year-old daughter for becoming infatuated with a British soldier. The relationship apparently amounted to a few conversations, but her father learnt she had been seen in public talking to the soldier. When the Observer talked to Abdel-Qader Ali two weeks later, he said: "Death was the least she deserved. I don't regret it. I had the support of all my friends who are fathers, like me, and know what she did was unacceptable to any Muslim that honours his religion."

This was clearly extreme, but the truth is that the God many people believe in - whether Muslim, Christian or Jewish - hates women. Take America's Southern Baptist Convention, which declares in its faith and mission statement: "A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband." That's fair enough, isn't it? After all, he's probably stronger than she is.

Or there's the Catholic church. The Pope put things more suavely in an address in 2008: "Faced with cultural and political trends that seek to eliminate, or at least cloud and confuse, the sexual differences inscribed in human nature, considering them a cultural construct, it is necessary to recall God's design that created the human being masculine and feminine, with a unity and at the same time an original difference." The insistence on difference is the necessary first step to insisting on inequality and subordination and it is a step that popes have been taking at regular intervals for decades.

In November 2006, Nicaragua enacted a ban on all abortion, with no exceptions, even to save the mother's life. The law was ratified by the National Assembly in September 2007. Both the original enactment and the vote in September 2007 were widely attributed to the influence of the Catholic church. In a report this month, the United Nations Committee against torture called Nicaragua's total ban on abortion a violation of human rights.

Then there is Judaism. In one neighbourhood in Jerusalem, religious seminaries flank streets with yellow signs that warn: "If you're a woman and you're not properly dressed - don't pass through our neighbourhood."

So why is it so often women who fill the pews? Is it a form of Stockholm syndrome? Religions do a good job of training people to be obedient and loyal to the authorities and women in particular are raised to be both devout and submissive. Religions are sticky: they are hard to abandon and that is doubly true for women, given that subordination and unshakable fidelity are their chief duties.

The fact that women are defined as different from men ("complementary" is the religious euphemism) and confined to narrower, more monotonous lives as a result, means that they have more need of the excitements and passions of religion. For women, religion often is the heart of a heartless world. All they have to give up in exchange is their right to shape their own lives; as long as they behave themselves, all will go swimmingly.

The intimate and inescapable connection that contemporary liberal believers like to see between God and love, theism and compassion, is largely a modern invention. It's far from universal now and it was vanishingly rare in the past. St Francis was an eccentric, not an exemplar. The painful truth is that still, to this day, most people who believe in a god believe in a god who is often vindictive, punitive and sometimes just plain cruel. The Ryan report on abuse of children in Irish industrial schools, released two weeks ago, provides a mountain of searing evidence for that. For decade after decade, generation upon generation, the religious congregations in charge of the institutions saw nothing wrong.

One survivor of Goldenbridge, the most notorious industrial school for girls, run by the Sisters of Mercy, told the commission: "The screaming of children will stay with me for the rest of my life about Goldenbridge. I still hear it, I still haven't recovered from that. Children crying and screaming, it was just endless, it never, never stopped for years in that place." Many of those children were there simply because their mothers were unmarried or divorced.

The God we have in the Big Three monotheisms is a God who originated in a period when male superiority was absolutely taken for granted. That time has passed, but the superior male God remains and that God holds women in contempt. That God is the one who puts "His" imprimatur on all those tyrannical laws. That God is a product of history, but taken to be eternal, which is a bad combination. That is the God who hates women.

So why do so many women put up with it? Partly because God gives with one hand what "He" takes away with the other - God consoles people for the very harshness that God creates. It's the sad, familiar, heartrending bargain in which the victim embraces the perpetrator, in some complicated, confusing, all-too-human mix of appeasement, need and stubborn loyalty. The fact that the embrace is all on one side is resolutely ignored.

Confirmed.

This kid I mentioned before definitely has fluttery feelings for me, too. We went to see a movie, and the movie was pretty good, but the whole thing was too strained. We don't have much going for us outside the aquarium besides awkwardness, and I am praying for the good Lord's provision here. I don't want him to pursue me even though we get along pretty well, and that's that. The 'flutteries' aren't there anymore, and I can quickly feel annoying feelings replacing them. What if he keeps on pursuing? How do I let him know we just get along well and that's it?

Why did this have to happen in the first couple weeks of working there? Is this gonna drag aaaalll summer?

Needing to take steps back.

I realized last night after work - and this morning after some very innapropriate dreams - that I'm pursuing some unrighteous things. I need to take some steps back. For instance, I'm pretty sure I have fluttery feelings for a kid at work. I don't have any conviction about his salvation though, and I know pursuing anything besides light friendship would not be good here.

Then there's the satisfaction I keep trying to find in Christian radio rather than the Word or its preaching. Or Christian community. Of course, I always suspected this part would be hard, staying on track. It really has been, but I'm also learning some things about myself along the way.

This aquarium position is so new to me, but I've handled it well, I think, considering my inexperience...

Anyway maybe right now the issue isn't that I need to pursue my religion more (because that motivation certainly isn't working out here) but that I need to step back and stop chasing after some unrighteous things, things that won't produce any fruitfulness.

Something my friend wrote got me wondering...

...is it possible to be "saved" but not really be a "new creation"?

What if.

Now. What if I do/say/think something and afterwards feel no guilt or shame? Which would otherwise warrant repentance? Does that inherently mean that sin isn't a factor?

What if that action/word/thought used to bring about guilt and repentance? But not anymore? Is it possible to be so far from the Lord and the influence of the Spirit that you don't even feel conviction anymore? Is their Biblical justification for any of this?

Too far-fetched or does this hit close to home?

Parable of the Prodigal Son

"I have recklessly forgotten Your glory, O Father;
And among sinners I have scattered the riches which You gave to me.
And now I cry to You as the Prodigal:
I have sinned before You, O merciful Father;
Receive me as a penitent and make me as one of Your hired servants."
Luke 15

 

I got a lovely new job at Ripley's Aquarium, but got a not so lovely new uniform. They're terrible, but apparently I'm the only new girl who found a pair of shorts that fit or that "looked nice". It's a big source of pride for me.

Good golly I hate packing!

For reeeeealz

I hate it so much. There's something about it that makes me tense. I didn't get my momma's packing genes, so what promises to be a few hours turns into DAYS of agonizing over what I need and don't need, feeling like I have way too much crap, but then feeling like I can't give anything away, either.

I've tossed a lot of things that previously I had issues with giving up, old things. I really don't have a problem anymore with throwing away things from my past life before Jesus... actually I prefer it that way. The littlest things get me to dwell on my past life and habits, and dwelling ain't no good, so there ya go. That must be why I even enjoy throwing out old things now. Maybe that's a signal of weakness? I don't know. I more see it that if something bums me out and I can get rid of it, why not? So I've been packing and organizing, watching Frasier, which I have grown to love this semester. I crack up laughing watching it. Pretty sure that makes me certifiably an old geezer.

Now it's thunderstorming :) :)

I love listening to the rain, especially loud rain that is gives big fat droplets and smacks on the pavement. The best kind! One day I'll own a rocking chair and porch just for this.

Also I'm graduating in like, five days?!?! I've yet to feel anything about it, no sadness, no nostalgia, and I'm worried. My friends say that's good to be detached, it makes it less painful when I finally do leave. But to me it just means that it'll hit twenty times harder in the middle of the summer. Which I do not want, so here's to hoping I go through all the emotions sometime this week before commencement on Saturday. My family's coming and I can't wait! Mostly because I know I'll get most of my packing done with my sisters to help. Love them.

I've been staying up crazy late these past couple days, maybe because I want to prolong the time I'm here? Because subconsciously I know I really will miss college? Definitely the comfort it brings, and the friends I've made, but I really believe I meant it last week when I said I don't think I'll miss it, on the whole. I didn't miss high school... I won't miss Crusade, I won't miss biology, I won't miss the classes or finals... not that I didn't enjoy college but that I just don't feel that I'll be really emotional when I think about the past four years. I think tomorrow or later this week when it's not 2 am, I'll write a nice, long reflective blog about my life in college and the crazy times it's been, or how much I've changed, or how good God's been through it all now that I have time to just stand back and take stock of my life. But right now, it's 2 am and I'm sleepy...

I just feel like bloggin'.

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months...) where you have a million great ideas, musings, opinions, interesting things to ponder, but never quite figure out how to word it all, let alone eloquently? Or how to join all of those things together in a meaningful, witty and insightful way? Isn't it frustrating? It's as if I have the secret answer to a huge problem that I want to share with the world, but I can't figure out how to communicate it or express myself in an understandable way.

Today is that day. I think that's why I adore Twitter so much. The smallest thought, idea or lyric that pops into my head already has a tidy niche waiting for it. Here's some pretty random things I've been pondering today:

I realized today how seriously a mess I get when I don't make time for Jesus.

I really hate when people drag their feet.

I'm happier and more joyful than ever. I'm loving my friendships and learning to stop living for others instead for Jesus and His good purposes.

I was waiting for the shower in our apartment to open and decided to take a look at some old blogs of mine. I had a Xanga for the first two years of college and MAN were things different. My attitude, the things I said, the words I used, my priorities. I can see a misty sadness lining most of my entries, a sense of un-fulfillment lingering after I signed off on each post. It was ridiculous how Christian I thought I was, how much I remarked on the "blossoming of me and God's relationship" and how much I idolized certain people in my life as well as Campus Crusade. I put a lot of things on a pedestal and I had some unhealthy addictions and priorities.

My life's path has been somewhat reversed. By that I mean compared to most believers I know. I was a huge wreck before the explosion on my heart and life two years ago, and I see that more and more the further in Christ I grow. Socially I was a mess, my character left a lot to be desired, I was always unsure, unconfident, confused, always putting myself down, yearning for acceptance and beauty, and I placed all the blame for these things on everyone and everything else. I didn't really have an identity and I didn't identify with anything at all. My relationships in retrospect weren't genuine and many were destructive... enter Jesus. BAM, I'm hit with a new spirituality, encountering a loving and living God so intimately I don't know where I end and He begins. My spiritual life grows in the Lord, I begin discerning the Word and experiencing Truth for the first time, and my quiet times flourished. But all other parts of my life remained stagnant, and I quickly realized the danger in separating my life into different parts and only allowing God to impact that spiritual part. And now, so long after finally accepting Jesus on His terms, I am coming to experience a Christian LIFE such that God and my spirituality and quiet times permeate all aspects of my life. Christianity to me now is a way of life - THE way of life - rather than a warm and fuzzy emboldening of my spirituality. Socially I've seen myself improve exponentially, especially in this last semester. Relationships, community, having natural friendships. That's something I never really had before. I'm beginning to understand and embrace confidence, joy, purpose... but the big difference here is that it's not confidence in me, but Something higher. God became and continues to be my lifeline, the bolstering force that gives me joy and purpose in life. Right now I'm noticing His influence in my social life and my community. These things are all more natural to me than they ever were. Things like enjoying friendships, being myself around people without freaking out or worrying to the nth degree about what they're thinking. This might not sound like a big deal, but to my understanding most people - at least the people I know - come into their own or gather some sense of self as an adolescent. But for me, understanding myself or having any self worth hasn't come until now, a soon-to-be college graduate. I feel like a late bloomer. But God's timing is and always will be... perfect.

I don't know how much of that made sense, but it makes perfect sense to me and it's definitely one of those "Aha!" things I've been musing over.

Awesomeness.

Twilight phenomenon, over.

I finally ended my ridiculous, obsessive relationship with the Twilight series around eleven o' clock Sunday night. Actually, the audio version I stole off of Limewire didn't quite finish for some reason so instead I found a synopsis of the ending online. Technically this means I didn't finish reading the series, but I got the general idea. The funny thing is, while I'm glad it's over and I can continue with my life now, I wasn't totally satisfied.

But should I be surprised?

Dang Stephenie Meyer.

Flipping Twilight!

Ugh. I'm officially, minorly infatuated with the whole series, and until I finish the saga I can't concentrate or focus on anything else. It's frustrating. I have to wrench myself from my earphones kind of painfully when I realize, say, I have to go to class or when I realize my senior sem is gathering dust. I'm pretty ashamed I've been sucked into the entire frenzy. The crazy thing is that the minute I pull myself from it, I'm totally at ease and I start wondering why I'm so obsessed with it in the first place. It's an indulgent story about a fantasy romance some girl could have dreamed up in middle school.

Ohhhhh I can't wait till I'm done and I can start living my life again. I'm hoping to finish the last book this weekend.

Favorites...

My favorite time at the moment is in the mornings. When I just wake up plus the hour or two that follows before I leave my home and things really get going... things have been hectic for me lately which probably seems odd from an outsider's perspective because I've never had a lighter course load. I really only have one class with a lecture component, the rest are unstructured without much curriculum like my senior seminar, my research course and my dance classes. Spiritually I'm alright - I've been escaping into the Twilight saga a lot lately and I know ideally God would want to capture my attention as much - and I think my complacency is stemming from a feeling that maintaining my fellowship with Him would mean a lot more effort and stress than I'm willing to give.

So that's why mornings are my favorite. Time spent is controlled by me, and I can take my time and structure it however I want as long as I'm dressed and out the door before class starts. Once I'm out, waiting for the shuttle to take me to campus, school runs my life. And that's stressful.

I always immediately make coffee in the mornings and check iGoogle and my email while I let the comfort seep in. Coffee and news in the morning are one of my favorite things. Time to time I'll get into the Word and have my quiet time with the Lord then... but not always. I'm reminded of what it means to make something my priority. Am I making God my priority? No. It's difficult. But is that much of an excuse? So what if senior seminar is making me insane, so what if graduation is looming like an ominous storm cloud, so what if I have no flipping idea what I'm doing with my life in just five weeks? Is God not mightier, more powerful, more good and so much more just? How much more than any earthly thing is God worth all my love and time? I'm ashamed that I let these trivial things rule my life and emotions when earth is not even my home. I adore this song called "Lead Me to the Cross" by Hillsong - actually I've played it at least a hundred times in the past week alone so I'm sure to be sick of it soon, but so far God's impact through it is still strong. It goes:

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

It's simple, full of awe and worship and reflecting our deprivation amidst the blazing cross of Christ. I looooooove the reminder that I belong to Him.

In other news, UNC won the NCAA title last night against Michigan. The air after the win here was palpable and full of excitement, and I saw friends of mine cruising through campus, screaming at the top of their lungs, adorned in Carolina blue. The happiness was infectious. State pride is one of my favorite things about being here. Now that I'm graduating, I'm more happy to be living in ACC country than anywhere else, more proud to be a Tarheel fan and a resident of this truly amazing place than ever. I really don't want to live anywhere else. At least after this summer, since I've decided to take my sister up on her offer to live with her in South Carolina for a couple months while I figure things out. Teaching? Seminary? Both are awesome options but I've stopped myself from pursuing them whole-heartedly because neither of them are what I really desire to do. I want to be working with Crusade, I want to be settled here doing an internship surrounded by the family I've developed over the past four years, I want to be in East Asia, I want my original plans to work out. But God's timing is perfect. I'm still gonna try again because I believe He gave me this desire for East Asia and a heart for college students, so why in the world wouldn't I pursue those things? What I'm struggling with is understanding that a lot of the time, the options aren't always going to appear alongside a huge wave of emotion or inclination or passion. Sometimes God's plans are as simple as Him showing me that there's a need somewhere and me acting faithfully in pursuing everything He puts in my path. I only hope I haven't lead Him to close any doors permanently in my life because of my lack of interest in so many options He's placed before me.

Well, whatever is going on in my life right now or tomorrow, I can rest in my solitary plea for God to lead me to His cross, I can rest in the fact that my occupation, no matter what, is always going to be a lover of God and a lover of people.

Nightline debate.

Here is the entire Nightline Face-off debate named "Does Satan Exist?" that came on a little while ago. I found it on Twitter and I've been enthralled ever since. I need to give a serious shout out to Mark Driscoll, who brought the Truth but full of grace in ways I wouldn't, in front of a crowd, on television, being asked challening, logical questions or responding to blatant attacks to my faith. The Spirit is working through this panel and crowd. I found myself laughing gleefully at times, challenged at times, incredulous at others. I totally enjoyed it, and was quick to notice that I would have hated this two summers ago before I accepted Christ, nor would I have embraced it so much a year ago. All attributed to God and my growing maturity - I hope.

I'm a microwave.

Ooooooh I hate sin.  Well - I tell myself that.  But secretly - in the bowels & depths of my heart - I love it.  And satan (lowercase on purpose) knows me well.  He knows I am a microwave when it comes to sinning.

I know that sin is easy.  Righteousness isn't.  Things worth having aren't easy to get.  I feel like some philosopher may have said those words a thousand years ago, & they haven't lost their pertinence in today's world.  Sin is what I run to when I am struggling, when I am bored, when I am lukewarm towards God or when I am hating Him & I want to give Him a nice punch in the face.  When I want to shock Him a little.  That's a lot of sinful opportunity.  Not only that, some sins do not take me long to get riled up about.  Like pornography or (dare I say it?) masturbation.  Who knew of a lady who struggled with both of those?  I used to think that because I'm a female that this desire - that began when I was in middle school - wouldn't last long, because aren't all women crockpots when it comes to sex?  But now I find that what becomes habit over the years also comes more quickly.  I've found that I'm actually not a typical crockpot but rather a microwave, & what enemy of God's wouldn't love that?  It's not only with sexual sin, either.

I fling myself into laziness whenever I'm in doubt, or television & music when I'm bored, or approval from the masses when I'm unsatisfied.  Aren't all of these things sin when they don't glorify the Lord?  I am quick to sin but slow to glorify God when I'm not filled with the Spirit.  I try & try to will myself out of it but again & again, I inevitably fail.  Trying to live up to Law on my own is fruitless, like Paul says in his letter to the Romans:

"For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do..." Ch. 8:3

I think that every blatant encounter with sin is a harsh reminder that naturally I cannot do what would glorify God.  I must call on the Spirit to live a life of peace, a life that isn't hostile to God:

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed it cannot." Ch. 8:6-7

I am amazingly better... wait, not better. New!

While I have to admit that Christianity has been stale to me the past few weeks, and I've been desensetized to Jesus for a little bit, God doesn't change but rather stays the same. My relationship with Him has basics to it that will always be there and always be foundational Truths. Here are a few of them I experienced tonight.

1) I am not called to be perfect.
2) Nor am I called to be better, rather...
3) I'm made new whether I want to or not. It's not of myself but a direct effect of God's covenant with me. Not better, but new.
3) When I deliberately sin and God brings it into the light, I always have the choice to confess it to God and lift up a repentant heart and claim my forgiveness and restore fellowship. It's not any different when I commit sin for the hundredth time and it'll be true when I pass judgement on my deathbed.
4) Even though this concept's simple, sometimes I just don't have a repentant heart. Sin is fun and irresistible. Sorry, but it's true! If it weren't, there would be no choice, no exercise of free will, no chance to opt for Christ rather than Satan and let the Holy Spirit triumph.
5) God always reveals Himself through community. The things I experience or learn from being around a group of Christ followers are so different from the things I understand about God while I'm alone. Being around others forces me to put into action all the things I meditate on in my quiet times... I always make the head to heart connections when I'm in Christ-centered community.

At our Crusade meeting tonight, I went in with a heavy and hardened heart. I came out with Christ my Lord again and with my heart softened to sherbet.

We also sung a lot of new songs, which also happened to be amazingly high-pitched for the women. That can be frustrating, not knowing the words, and on top of all that you are singing uncomfortably like a pod of squealing dolphins. We were a little lost but I think the sentiment of worship was still ever-present.

I'm feeling unpretty today.

Particularly unpretty.

This is a day when I hate the world for the stigma of unprettiness & I struggle with God's view of me as beautiful. I am a beautiful creation in His sight. Sorry, but that doesn't speak to me in front of the mirror. What speaks to me are the impossibly gorgeous, flawless women surrounding me at High Point... we are like the Miami of the South. The L.A. of the Carolina's.

I'm always drawn back.

After writing my last post I had some regrets.

I was thinking and suddenly this notion hit me: no matter what kind of spiritual crisis I'm in, I'm always inexplicably drawn back to the Lord. Even if that crisis involves me abhoring God's actions in 1 Samuel 15 to the point that I don't think I can ever bring myself to love or embrace Him again. Times when my logic outshines my heart for God or my intimate experiences with Him.

I know that deep down, I find my hope and identity in Christ and that without Him, I am nothing. For now, that will have to suffice and triumph over my unrest about God's actions against the Alamek empire.

So far Lent has not been great.  Obviously, because I wanted to give up the internets and yet here I am writing a blog.  But tonight I couldn't resist.  My roommates, one of whom is drunk for the millionth time, woke me up about two and a half hours ago and I haven't been able to get back to sleep.  When I'm frustrated I feel the urge to blog.  Apart from the agonizing frustration of being woken up yet again by them, here's what I've been thinking about.

While in general I'm less depressed, I'm far from God and I know it.  It's like I'm some ravished child in a highchair, bound by four walls, perhaps surrounded by delicious food but completely unable to grab anything because I'm physically limited.  And maybe just too tired to reach anymore, exhausted from trying to reach the unattainable.  

The worst part of this is that I know it, I realize that I'm not close to God and yet I feel no different.  I have no desire to see God glorified, no passion to share His love coursing through my veins.  I'm not 'on fire' for God nor do I desire the Christian life apart from feeling like I must live it out.  Spiritually I feel bland.  

However, on other fronts I feel absolutely grand.  Sadly somehow my spiritual life got separated from the rest of me, but I'm doing wonderfully on a personal note.  I'm growing into my own and I have more resonance and confidence in who I am than I've ever been.  I'm not as hung up on things like my surroundings, relationships, circumstances, past or future.  My work ethic is flourishing.  I am grabbing onto friendships and relishing in them truly for the first time since my amazing summer in Daytona Beach and even then it's at a completely different, wonderful level.  A lot of things in my life are 'going right' in ways I've never experienced.  I don't wake up dreading continuing the day or wishing I could sleep all day long.  I don't dread encountering people.    I'm not obsessing over as much and I'm less uptight about my life.  I can get through an entire school day without having and dwelling on a single depressing thought.  Mornings are now my favorite part of the day.  Cool.

All that said, I have to admit that while I was at my lowest and hating life and myself, I was in a deeper, more intimate fellowship with the Lord.  I found myself depending on Him more.  As unhappy as I was, a part of me - perhaps a part deep down I couldn't see - clung to Christ knowing that He is the only steadfast and trustworthy Person in the universe.  I didn't realize just how closely I was drawn to Jesus through that dark period until now - happier but with a soul left unsatisfied.

Reading my Bible tonight before bedtime didn't help.  I was in the spirit of Lent and had just switched off my TV, realizing that I hadn't spent time with God today.  I didn't feel particularly led anywhere so I just plopped open my English Standard Version to 1 Samuel 15.  Read it.  As I drank in verse after verse, my hatred and frustration towards God developed at an alarming rate.  Here is God ordering Saul to go into a town called Amalek and completely slaughter everyone living there, man and woman, child and beast.  For no other reasons than to punish them for opposing Israel on the way out of Egypt and to test Saul's ability to follow orders from God as Israel's appointed king.  You don't just kill an entire city.  Hello? Thou shall not kill?  It seems like this commandment is pushed aside the most throughout the Bible.  People slaughtered left and right because God commanded it.  In fact at the end of this chapter Samuel shames Saul for not murdering everyone like God wanted and after Saul is dethroned, Samuel confronts the King of Amalek who Saul spared:

And Agag came to him cheerfully. Agag said, "Surely the bitterness of death is past."  And Samuel said, "As your sword has made women childless, so shall your mother be childless among women."  And Samuel hacked Agag to pieces before the Lord.

I can't understand or embrace a God who would simply order the murder of thousands of people, even some innocent children who aren't even old enough to actively rebel against Him.  To me this entire passage goes against all I've been taught about God's character.  I hate God for causing all these people to be killed only to go to hell because He never gave them a chance to be redeemed.  

This kind of thing happens throughout the Old Testament, yet we never hear from it at church or from our spiritual leaders.  If we believe the entire Bible is the true Word of God, and all parts are equally good and glorifying to God, why neglect all these terror stories from Samuel? More so how do we see that God is good through this chapter in Samuel?  

There's so much to Bill Maher's argument against religion that I want to agree with, that I want to stand up and embrace and slam my fist down triumphantly because nothing would feel more right.  

Lenten musings...

I thought I might want to give up the internets at first.

Then I thought of how in the past few weeks how quickly I turn to Regis & Kelly or some funny TBS sitcom the minute I get back to my room, exhausted. I thought maybe I should give up TV.

But I just realized I have such an issue with people's perception of me through Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, even this blog and so maybe this is what I should be giving up (see previous post). I have a real problem with obsessing over how people think of me after they visit my sites.

I feel like this is what I should be abstaining from for the next forty days.

Sometimes, I feel I let Twitter and Facebook define people's perception of me. Mostly Twitter. It's stupid and incredibly exhausting thinking of witty things. Apparently I'm not innately witty.

Hopes.

I hope I don't turn into a lame Christian.

A Christian who's a hypocrite, who reads one thing in God's Word then does another. I don't want to be stagnant in my faith. I don't want to settle into a comfortable neighborhood and forget the struggles outside my warm and fuzzy community. Or find myself at a church where VBS cartoon cutouts or mustly old hymnals outnumber the homeless being fed and sheltered every week.

I feel like I am turning into a lame Christian. Complacent. Self-righteous. I don't want to be a person who falls under and gets crushed by that Christian stigma. I don't want to wear a cross around my neck lest I develop a trendy, casual perspective about the Gospel. I want to be different. I've noticed that there aren't many Christians I know that really get it. I mean, get it. They throw away worldy posessions, embrace the Word and heed God's desires and really live out the Gospel. Those people are refreshing and exciting. Those are the people with dreads and tatts with seemingly radical things to preach to the nations but really they are just taking direction from the Bible and speaking and living it. I can look at myself and say that I am not one of those persons. There's a lot holding me back from surrendering my all to the Lord and I feel like that is the key. I sing, I pray, I read, I fellowship. But in the deepest pockets of my heart (or maybe more shallowly) I am holding grudges, I am judging friends, I am complaining, I am obsessing over my problems, I am dwelling on bitterness. How can I ever worship God joyfully with these things fouling up my heart?

I don't understand budgeting. Or finances. Or much of anything discipline related.

Some characteristics.

I can tell this entry will be a doozy but there's a ton on my heart, so bear with me...

I'm not the most put-together, classy or creative person.

Secretly I long to be that Interior Design major, who's been picking out darling clothing since 2nd grade, with an eye for design and good colors, who's generally more imaginative when it comes to decorating or styling or putting together poster presentations.

I think a lot of my adolescent and even college-age struggles come from my unsatisfaction with my character and how I am made. Yet... these past couple months as I've understood my character at new depths, I'm starting to experience satisfaction. I love 'learning' that I am type B, that I am laid back, that there's a reason I've never liked wearing watches, or that I love waiting until the last minute to finish tasks. Better understanding my character affects the way I act in some beneficial ways.

With my STINT application, I've put it off and put it off. There's nothing more natural to me than not finishing that thing until the day before it's is absolutely needed on March 2nd. I also don't worry - basically ever. There are days here and there when I panic a little bit about legit being in the real world but generally I'm good at not worrying about much.

It's a blessing in a chaotic world. Now - not to say that these characteristics are perfect, just that they are me and right now I'm enjoying understanding them better, even embracing them a little. I have a long way to go, all the way into eternity, for complete perfection. I don't believe God wants be to be so immersed in a worry-free attitude that I develop lazy tendencies or always wait until the last minute, because too much type B is dangerous. But God is showing me that there is a way to glorify Him by accepting them as unique - breaking the mold if you will - before I desire to improve upon them with Christ as my ideal.

Like right after I became Christian, I totally hated my character. I felt like I was too much like my old self in little character habits and tendencies that weren't necessarily sinful, but I was so enraptured by the concept of "new life" that I began to hate myself and my personality and I constantly desired change in my life, all the way down to my anti-watch attitude and introvertedness. Now - almost a couple years later - I'm seeing that 'death to better - long live new' doesn't necessarily mean changing the way you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, or how you approach chemisty problem sets. It an issue of righteousness and how I can glorify God in the characther He gave me to begin with.

I'm unique. I love wearing bright colors. I love meeting new people. I'd much rather share the Gospel than build somone else up in their faith. I have an issue with inwardly showing grace to others. I'm still working on patience. I love variety and prompting change in my life. I rearrange my room and bathroom at least every other week. Post-its are my organizational life-line and probably wouldn't get anything done if I didn't tell myself to do it on a Post-it. I've always done my best work under pressure which leads me to wait until the last minute for most things. I barely plan. I'm more detail oriented than focused on the big picture. I don't worry. I adjust to change pretty easily. I can't remember the last thing I got uptight about. I'd rather let things slide than risk confrontation. I'll do the dishes and wipe off the counters because I love doing those things. I love playing house, playing mom and taking care. My mind is the most vulnerable. I can't be left alone with my own thoughts or I'll probably get sink into depression or pride or impurity. I always have music or TV on when I'm alone. I love wearing what's most comfortable and that definitely means sacrificing cuteness or style. Shopping intimidates me bigtime and so does theology. My toughest sin this year has been judgement.

So a lot of those things aren't really issues of righteousness or areas that I need to bug out about when it comes to putting on Christ or inheriting new life. Others are less pretty traits that obviously don't reflect fruits of the spirit. There's a lot of work there but I can thankfully say I'm not in a place anymore where I'm obsessed with changing everything about myself overnight... because that, my friends, is not how Jesus works nor is that what my Christianity is about. It's not about me! I'm slowly getting that my life is not in fact, all about me, but it's all about Christ. The blazing glory of Christ. Imagine that.

My changing attributes should be secondary and will come after I make Jesus my center and my goal and my love and provision.

Type B.

I am Type B.

I love this fact. Lately I am relishing and rolling around in it as if it were the most luxurious green, grassy pasture in the world...

I love that God made me this way, and I'm starting to give my personality a warm and fuzzy side-hug rather than a bitter and ferocious leg-drop, like I usually do. Usually I reject my Type B tendencies, like my chill factor, how much I love to just lay back and put my feet up, all the times I don't plan and rather take life as it's dealt. For instance right now the only thing on my mind, entirely, is writing this post. When I'm done, my mind will think about the next thing I could do on this computer, and I probably won't think about what I need to get done until it's actually staring me in the face. Good times. Instead of stressing out, I'm calm. Not worrying.

It's all good.

I could sum up my desires right now with one word: contradiction.

When I battle depression (why do we say 'battle' when helplessness is such a big factor...?) I often feel these contradictions, two different view points or desires, tugging on my heart and limbs like some terrible torture conjured up by a Zorro-mastermind (I'm picturing myself, all four limbs tied with ropes to four horses all facing away, waiting for Zorro to pop them on their hind-quarters so that that I go flying in four different directions.  Pretty nasty.)

For instance, when I am down I immediately know I should talk to Jesus about it.  Yet I don't.  Or when it rarely happens, there are groanings to deep and uncomfortable for words.  I mumble in my head, doubtful that any of what I'm rambling on about is actually getting to Him, worried that my faith isn't carrying the prayer through, or worse, that the Holy Spirit isn't interceding for me as He should.  I doubt my maturity as a Christian, my capabilities, and I begin to wonder what I'm doing wrong.  What is there that I'm not getting?

Or... I know I should be talking to friends about it.  Hasn't the Lord been graciously teaching me about the importance of vulnerability and sharing burdens over the past year?  Yet I don't reach for the telephone or walk down the hall to my friend's room.  When I'm depressed I yearn for everything to be exceedingly tidy, yet I get increasingly sloppy the longer I feel that way.  I feel that way now.  It's definitely prompted by a few things that have popped up in my life this week, some big and some trivial, like walking past a full-length mirror and hating the way my jeans looked.  Or suddenly disparaging that my roommates who are all best friends don't like me and that we'll never really get along.  Sometimes, I wonder if these are lies from satan or if I'm just getting a reality check and being depressed because things aren't the way I want them to be.

We chalk way too much up to satan, don't we?

Sensitive.

I just finished watching "The Notebook" for the very first time. I know, I know... it's been 5+ years since it came out. I guess I've been repulsed by the idea of sitting down for a full 2 hours to watch the sappiest love story since Tristan and Isolde after witnessing my entire senior class sob and fall apart to pieces at the mere mention of 'Noah'. I once knew a girl that watched it everyday in our Yearbook class, covered her Myspace in photos of the two starlets embracing, and would quote it at least a few times a day. It really turned me off to rowboats and nursing homes.

Fast-forward a few years and almost an entire bachelors degree, and on a calm Saturday afternoon I find myself flipping channels in my room, munching on my favorite apple and peanut butter, and there it is. I could have been doing a few other things - like starting on my Senior Seminar paper or heading down to the gym - but the moment I saw that it was on and that it had just started, I had to sit and watch. It was like an involuntary compulsion... and as I watched I cried. And cried. And then the two main characters died in each others arms and I cried for a solid 5 minutes. I wondered why I'd allowed myself to miss such a waterfall of a gem for so long.

All this comes to a slight realization that I am overly sensitive. I have to admit, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Didn't tons of people sob at this movie? Wouldn't I basically be heartless if I didn't? But then, it's not just this movie. It's every WWF commercial I see, every story I read on CNN about bombings in Gaza or downed airplanes. It's all the times my friends don't return my text messages or IMs. It's living off campus for the first time... like everything in my life, I could glorify God with this particular characteristic of mine or I could let it fuel my sinfulness. Lately it's been the latter, whether it's the building up of bitter or lonely thoughts that distract me from God's everlasting companionship, or letting my feelings get pent up to the point that I lash out in anger.

But I'm glad this has been brought to my attention; a new post-it to remind me that I have a choice to glorify and praise God with my sensitivity and overactive frontal lobe could go a long way...

- Alicia

The cause and the source.

When I feel weary, as I do this morning, my first inclination is spin my heart and my head trying to identify the cause of my discomfort. But I wonder if it would be better for me to focus less on the cause of my sorrow and more on the source of my joy, Christ?

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly
things.
Colossians 3:2.

I read this this morning on the blog 97 seconds with God, written by the same guy who writes one of my favorites of all time, StuffChristiansLike. I resonated with it and wanted to share.

- Alicia