I could sum up my desires right now with one word: contradiction.

When I battle depression (why do we say 'battle' when helplessness is such a big factor...?) I often feel these contradictions, two different view points or desires, tugging on my heart and limbs like some terrible torture conjured up by a Zorro-mastermind (I'm picturing myself, all four limbs tied with ropes to four horses all facing away, waiting for Zorro to pop them on their hind-quarters so that that I go flying in four different directions.  Pretty nasty.)

For instance, when I am down I immediately know I should talk to Jesus about it.  Yet I don't.  Or when it rarely happens, there are groanings to deep and uncomfortable for words.  I mumble in my head, doubtful that any of what I'm rambling on about is actually getting to Him, worried that my faith isn't carrying the prayer through, or worse, that the Holy Spirit isn't interceding for me as He should.  I doubt my maturity as a Christian, my capabilities, and I begin to wonder what I'm doing wrong.  What is there that I'm not getting?

Or... I know I should be talking to friends about it.  Hasn't the Lord been graciously teaching me about the importance of vulnerability and sharing burdens over the past year?  Yet I don't reach for the telephone or walk down the hall to my friend's room.  When I'm depressed I yearn for everything to be exceedingly tidy, yet I get increasingly sloppy the longer I feel that way.  I feel that way now.  It's definitely prompted by a few things that have popped up in my life this week, some big and some trivial, like walking past a full-length mirror and hating the way my jeans looked.  Or suddenly disparaging that my roommates who are all best friends don't like me and that we'll never really get along.  Sometimes, I wonder if these are lies from satan or if I'm just getting a reality check and being depressed because things aren't the way I want them to be.

We chalk way too much up to satan, don't we?

Sensitive.

I just finished watching "The Notebook" for the very first time. I know, I know... it's been 5+ years since it came out. I guess I've been repulsed by the idea of sitting down for a full 2 hours to watch the sappiest love story since Tristan and Isolde after witnessing my entire senior class sob and fall apart to pieces at the mere mention of 'Noah'. I once knew a girl that watched it everyday in our Yearbook class, covered her Myspace in photos of the two starlets embracing, and would quote it at least a few times a day. It really turned me off to rowboats and nursing homes.

Fast-forward a few years and almost an entire bachelors degree, and on a calm Saturday afternoon I find myself flipping channels in my room, munching on my favorite apple and peanut butter, and there it is. I could have been doing a few other things - like starting on my Senior Seminar paper or heading down to the gym - but the moment I saw that it was on and that it had just started, I had to sit and watch. It was like an involuntary compulsion... and as I watched I cried. And cried. And then the two main characters died in each others arms and I cried for a solid 5 minutes. I wondered why I'd allowed myself to miss such a waterfall of a gem for so long.

All this comes to a slight realization that I am overly sensitive. I have to admit, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Didn't tons of people sob at this movie? Wouldn't I basically be heartless if I didn't? But then, it's not just this movie. It's every WWF commercial I see, every story I read on CNN about bombings in Gaza or downed airplanes. It's all the times my friends don't return my text messages or IMs. It's living off campus for the first time... like everything in my life, I could glorify God with this particular characteristic of mine or I could let it fuel my sinfulness. Lately it's been the latter, whether it's the building up of bitter or lonely thoughts that distract me from God's everlasting companionship, or letting my feelings get pent up to the point that I lash out in anger.

But I'm glad this has been brought to my attention; a new post-it to remind me that I have a choice to glorify and praise God with my sensitivity and overactive frontal lobe could go a long way...

- Alicia

The cause and the source.

When I feel weary, as I do this morning, my first inclination is spin my heart and my head trying to identify the cause of my discomfort. But I wonder if it would be better for me to focus less on the cause of my sorrow and more on the source of my joy, Christ?

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly
things.
Colossians 3:2.

I read this this morning on the blog 97 seconds with God, written by the same guy who writes one of my favorites of all time, StuffChristiansLike. I resonated with it and wanted to share.

- Alicia