I see His love and mercy, washing over all our sin.

I can't breathe...

God, this is a direct letter to You - please reach out to me in grace and listen to my prayer!

I am astounded. I want selfless faith in You. I am beginning to see it in my life. You have to shake me up for me to realize, really, how good You really are, how perfect is your timing, how wide and huge and abounding is Your love. I LOVE YOU! I want to love you with all my heart and soul and strength and mind. I want to know you so intimately I don't know where I end and where You begin. This week - this week you have shown Yourself to me in ways I didn't know were possible. In ways You never have before. You open my eyes. You cover me in grace and extend mercy to me. You challenge me to prompt change in me. I am growing to become more and more the woman You desire me to be... I am thankful. I am thankful You NEVER GIVE UP. I am thankful You are with me to the end of the ages. Till I am dead and gone and I have been lifted up to be in Your presence, for all of eternity. How sweet to be loved by You, to be cherished by You, as a Father loves His child. I don't deserve it. I deserve Your wrath that is as perfect as Your love is. Thank You for Your beloved Son that gave it up, all of it, for me on the cross! I can't say it enough! You bought me with a price, the price of Your Son... I am eternally grateful and in awe of what You have ordained and what You do and who You are. You encountered me in a saving way over a year ago and I was never the same! You speak to me in ways nothing else ever has or ever will. You have spoken to me in volumes this summer. You led me to Philly to reveal more of Yourself to me. To teach me. To mold my heart. To continue to perfect me in the image of Christ. To share Your love with this beautiful community. Lord, I am weak. I don't follow Your will all the time. I turn from You when I am tired, or in despair, or confused or frustrated. But You are always there when I realize my folly and turn back to You. You never forsake me. Father, judge me according to my deeds and may everything I do be done for You. May you look down upon me that day of judgement with pleasure, because of what I have done for Your glory and Your glory alone here on earth...

Amen.

So, right now is not really the time to explain my feelings behind this prayer. But I was prompted suddenly to write this. Maybe I'll expound later. Man, God is good.

Philadelphia update, this past week, etc.

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
Seeking a moment every fix

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you...

The song is "Mercy" by OneRepublic, and it's probably about some girl the lyricist is thankful about... but, I just listened to it on Pandora and fell in love with the lyrics, and thought of Jesus - who else? My Angel of Mercy...

This week has really meant a lot to me. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, all that.

Spritually... My life is all about my job now - or it was, earlier this week. I got so caught up in it, in issues with my mentor, in the project itself, flipping out about the shortened time to get everything finished, getting bored with it, etc. I really felt lost with my project, even after talking to my mentor about it, how my whole project is exploding like the 4th of July in downtown Philly every time I look into a 200-yr old volume. Which I do, a lot. My life this past month has been a bunch of dusty old tomes full of orange book goo that gets all over my clothes, and I always end up smelling like a 19th century attic afterwards. Anyway that's what I've been obsessing over this week, and of course when I obsess over things I get unhappy because that's more time I spend focusing on worldly things and less time I spend focusing on God and what He wants. Naturally I didn't find joy in the Lord because I was lamenting over things that are already in God's control, I just didn't realize it yet. Then, Wednesday after kayaking with the REU gang, I had a revelatory experience. I felt particularly disgusted with myself or a reason I won't say here, I was upset. But instead of concentrating that anger on God or someone else, I focused it onto myself; I hated myself for the things I did (and do) - nothing really in particular, just my sinfulness. Sometimes I have these moments where I hate the fact that I'm sinful and I hate that I must struggle with sin all my life. It really put things into true focus for me, true perspective. I saw my helplessness but instead of dwelling I on it I saw the blinding light of Christ and the healing and provision he gave on the cross for me... I honestly have never been more grateful for the gift of Christ in my life. I decided to read through Psalms aloud and can I just say how great that is? To read aloud the Word of God and hear it coming out of my own mouth was transformational. I need to do it more often.

Physically... we walk everywhere in Philly, but that didn't prepare me for the annual REU canoe/kayak trip to the NJ Pine Barrens this Wednesday. SUPER intense, we paddled so much and dodged about 200 day campers from Brooklyn in their canoes, my arms hurt like whoa... but I could move mountains with my new biceps.



That's me, walking on water.

It was a ton of fun, super long but I got to play with my new friends in a creek so who's complaining? The creek is tea colored thanks to some secondary compounds secreted by the Cypress trees everywhere - pretty cool.

Emotionally... I had a good cry this week, too. Cries are good. Just let it aaall out sometimes.

- Alicia

Meeting Arnold...

My new friend Kim and I (she works in the Botany dept. with me) are volunteering tomorrow with the National Governor's Association. We are both working at the "Tastes of Philly" event tomorrow night, we're super nervous and super excited at the same time. I love volunteering. It should be a fun experience... Kim and I are probably the youngest people to volunteer. We had a training session/overview of the whole kitten-caboodle Wednesday night at a swanky hotel in downtown Philly, with free pizza, cookies and coffee... Kim and I overloaded on the coffee :) But hey, when it's free, ya know? I have no self-constraint. I think it has something to do with being a college student.

Anyway most of the current state governors and their wives will be in Philly this weekend, as well as some former governors. Of course Gov. Rendell of PA will be there, Maryland's O'Malley and his wife will be there, but also... Arnold Schwartzenneger (sp?) and his wife Maria, aaaand Bill Clinton since he was governor of Arkansas. Hillary Clinton? Probably not. The coolest part is we get to act part-security, ask people for their official ID and welcome all the governors at the "Tastes of Philly" event. There will be plenty of FBI and undercover cops, and we have to report anything fishy... serious stuff. We had to fill out a bunch of forms to volunteer and the police do a background check, otherwise pretty much anyone can do it if they want. I'm mostly excited about asking Arnold to see his governor's pin and other forms of ID when he shows up... and all the free food.

I'm such a college student.

- Alicia

When you remember the stripes!

I don't really know for sure what this song by The Shins is about, but it's dang good. I think about, of all things, remembering good times from the past few weeks, and good times from last summer in Daytona. I just saw a few pictures of my friends from DBSP '07 during a re-visit these past couple weeks. I've let go for the most part, of little (and big) attachments I had to that place and that experience, so mostly when I saw the photos I just wanted to be there with them. God does a really amazing job at taking our minds off and away from things that hinder our relationship with Him!

I'm wearing a super cute skirt today. I feel like a million bucks.

I'm reading "Don't Waste Your Life" by the petite but always commanding John Piper. In the first chapter he shares a testimony of the strength Christ has been to him, the people in his life that shaped his view on eternity and living your life out to the glory of God. I love how he writes that bringing God glory and enjoying Him - finding complete joy in simply knowing Him - is the same as glorifying Him. The two are one in the same. I know I get confused so easily, still only a year into our relationship, about pursuing happiness and bringing God into the light, and sharing Him with others. Like John Piper I used to think the two weren't interchangeable. That I couldn't be happy and glorify Him at the same time for extended periods. But now I know that in fact, finding joy in Christ, simply knowing Him, and knowing Him personally, experiencing His righteousness, experiencing the presence of a convicting Holy Spirit inside of me, are all examples of bringing Him glory. It's an awesome concept but frustrating when you don't understand it at a heart level.

It's times like these, working late hours at the academy, not being around my friends from home or school, in a loud, boisterous, and sometimes sullen place like Philly, I wish feelings weren't as important to me as they are. Lately I am learning that, no matter what, how I feel, or whichever side of the bed I wake up from, God's Word is still unshakable Truth. My feelings get me to doubt that Truth really easily. Sometimes, when I have a crap day at the Academy, I easily and suddenly turn to worldly pleasures to make me happy again, and how quickly I shuffle away from spending time with Him, being vulnerable with Him and sharing my troubles with Him. And then, like a cycle, I feel guilty about not turning to eternal means of satisfaction and I run further into superficial things that only satisfy me a little bit. Thank God that our relationship is a growing one, and that I've gotten better about this, a lot since I gave my life over to Christ so many months ago. So for that I'm eternally grateful, it's definitely a wonderful and beautiful thing and evidence that God does work from the inside out, evidence that God is even working.

I love the things I am learning up here in this lovely, brotherly city. They're mostly small things. For one, I'm no where near how depressed I was this past school year, or even times in Daytona. Realizing how much I have been pulled out of the chains of depression in the past months was incredible - and I was on my knees in adoration and utter amazement when I came to that realization. Utter amazement. There's no other word for it, when you understand how completely and monumentally God has changed you. Especially if you pray for a particular change... and it hits you suddenly, how flipping different you really are since you allowed Christ to start hammering away at your sinful frame and replacing it with righteousness... I am blown away at that. So, there's that, the fact that God has pulled me out of the deepest parts of depression it's possible for me to bear right now. Magically, all this has happened in the past month or so, really since I came to Philly. I wonder if this is the only reason God called me to Philly this summer; if it is, praise be to God and I will walk away extremely blessed and joyful. I'm also learning to appreciate Him, and me, for who He is and for who I am destined to be. I'm learning to appreciate the simply yet wholly complicated beauty of Christ, and I'm beginning to see His beauty in myself. I'm starting to love my friends more. I'm losing the love I had for myself and pouring it out, instead, on the people around me... slowly. But that's growth, and the patience of God as He waits for me to learn how to give myself entirely to Him and to His control.

I had the poopiest day at work today. Lately I am frustrated with my job, and my mentor who I work with. I could spend the next few sentences listing the things I'm upset about or attributes about my mentor I don't like, but that wouldn't do any good - instead, I am trusting that God's goodness is at work, and remind myself that I am probably being selfish and not dealing with the task I'm being given. It's another struggle to give to the Lord, for Him to work it out to His glory. Which is all that matters, right? I'm reminded a lot lately how important that is - and how unimportant anything and everything else is. Give God the glory. That's what I was created for. It's a cool thing to know in my heart - where my character comes from, like Jesus describes in Matthew 15. What I know at a heart level is what defines me.

Anyway... I wish I could explain here what God has been doing to me and through me here in Philly, but know it's amazing, and good, really good.

I love summers! Especially lazy summers at the lake, even more especially at the Poconos here in PA, where I can kayak till my arms fall off then sit in the shore and read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. Where I can eat Mrs. McGrath's delish, cranberry scones till I'm literally exploding with yumminess, play rummy with my REU friends while the sun sets, go sailing all day and get smacked countless times by the main sail, say hello to all the lake neighbors and have all of them wave cheerily back, and get to know my new friends a little better... this weekend was definitely blessed, a warm retreat from the fast and loud city, where Creation abounded and you could just breathe. It was stellar, and now none of us wants to work this week :)

ps. How many more of my friends are getting engaged this summer?!