Ch' Ch' Ch' Changes.

I am experiencing a random, oversized growth spurt.  Mentally.  I'm growing up in a sense.  Head knowledge is becoming heart knowledge.  

Maybe it isn't so random after all, but this is definitely abrupt and very appreciated.  Let me explain a lil'.

So this is my senior year and of course with it there are unwelcome days of blatant panic, that bloated feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to sink like a fat rhino but then your head is light and floaty and drifty.  It's like gravity is working in opposite directions in the place where soul meets body.  You are spouting out things to people that make sense in your head but deep down, you have no idea what they mean or why you say them.  Maybe just to keep up a facade of normalcy... anyway, I have feel like since this year began I never really got a grip on reality.  I couldn't grasp the fact that this is my last year in college and soon, the real world will begin.  I began imagining horrific things when I wasn't consumed with Plant Physiology lab reports, and when I was consumed with classes I spouted out crap that shrouded all my uncertainty and horrific imaginings of the future with pretty little pictures and far-off possibilities. It was terrible (but subconscious, maybe).

Yesterday I stopped being scared about the future and those rhino-y feelings left of their own accord, with no explanation.  I stopped spouting out random crap about my future options and have really begun to look at the next 5 months as reality that I must be ready for or else be swept off my feet (and not in a good way).  Things just kind of clicked for me.  I'm starting to look very seriously at the last semester of college and my future prospects.  My whimsical desire to flee to Philadelphia for a ministry position seems more impractical than it did months ago and a little more silly.  In contrast I'm getting more and more excited about my possible future with Campus Crusade.  True I'm still mildly terrified about some things, like raising support for my salary, getting my first place, my first car, credit card, etc.  But God will help me deal with those hurdles when the time comes, I'm sure.

I definitely give credit to God for this one.  I don't remember what I was doing or looking at but this desire to really look at my life in all seriousness and truly assess this transition stage simply erupted within me and now, all I want to do is thank my parents for helping me through college and get started on a ton of interviews, scope out the neighborhoods and churches and make a down payment on a home or car.  

Yay for random growth spurts!

- Alicia

The difficulty of friendship.

There is a reason I didn't make "difficulty" plural - mostly to emphasize my all around, deep-seated frustration and depression regarding the issue of friendship.  What I am frustrated about is that it seems ever since that sparkling moment of salvation, I have struggled intensely to maintain solid friendships.  I am one of those personalities that typically engages about a hundred friends a semester, which has a ton to do with my people-pleasing persona.  I understand that.  But through my prayers, my listening, my desire and painful yearning to have solid friends who adhere to the two way road of relationships, I have been disappointed countless times!  So, God, in my 24,765th prayer about this, 

what is the deal?

This past week I was for the millionth time blatantly ignored by a friend.  A girl I have been on and off with for years, my first and lasting Christian friend, has basically made ridiculous efforts to ignore me, hurt me and push me away since that moment of salvation.  Which is the biggest confusion - how could that be?  We were better friends when I wasn't Christian.  There's a constant excuse of business when I do get a hold of her - but how busy could you possibly be?  I would make time for her because I cherish her and her friendship.  Or I did.  I don't know anymore.  So many times I have let go of her and thrown up my hands to God's sovereignty.  Which leads me to love her despite my hurt feelings, I learn to stop placing my expectations on her and all is well for a short time, until my wall posts, messages, voice mails, letters and texts are completely ignored while facebook reveals the hundreds of photos she just posted of her and her friends having a gay old time.  How do I take all this with a grain of salt?  I want to yell at her and tell her how much she has hurt me and tell her how bewildered I am about all of it.  What could I have possibly done to prompt this?  Do you realize how horrible and inadequate Satan makes me feel just because you refuse to ever talk to me anymore?  Like I'm a burden to you, or too annoying to talk to or be around?  I'm exhausted from continuing this one-way friendship with you.   All I want is for you to acknowledge that I exist and that I have been trying to talk to you all year and yes, from you and from God I really just want an explanation.  I'm tired of thinking that this burden has been given to God, that I have truly let him intervene, only to have these upset feelings resurface again, where they have no business being.  At this point, I don't even care if you call me back and carry a conversation about how the both of us adore Jimmy Stewart - I just want you to respond to my hello.  A simple hello back would suffice, but you can't even muster that.  How can you not see how your blatant refusal to do simply that has affected me?

And it isn't just her, it's others.  No Christmas cards this year, no goodbye hugs before winter break, too many people not responding to my calls.  During this finals week, I have been shut down by friends who at this point I've come to expect a negative response from.  How crappy is that?  Where I don't even dial their numbers anymore because I know the response will be 'no' or 'sorry, I have plans for the rest of the week with my other friends'.  This bitter feeling in my soul won't go away.  I want to cling to Christ as my only and dearest friend, but I can't help but deeply desire friendship and fellowship that isn't an uphill battle all the time.  I want someone to actually call me because they want to know how I am, ask me how that crazy Plant Physiology exam went yesterday, or because they want to make plans with me.  How many times has that happened this year?  Zero.  What is it about me that turns people away?  Am I not indwelled with the Holy Spirit?  Isn't there nothing more attractive than Him?  I feel rejected.  I keep wondering if this is all God's perfect design to ween me off worldly friendships and dependencies so that I might learn to turn to God instead of friends with all my life for the rest of eternity.  But I can't shake the hurt I'm experiencing from all this.  This hurts, God.  You know my deal with depression and yet, could you have ordained this?  

It hurts and hurts and hurts.  How can this be your perfect plan?  This is the difficulty of friendship.  To glorify God by accepting his ordinance that I be friendless at moment, or to keep on with this fleshly desire for friendship?

- Alicia

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Isaiah 64 is such a cool chapter.  Sometimes, when I'm having quiet time with God, I will lose myself and forget everything about my life and Scripture will basically light up on the page as I scroll down the verses.  It's equally cool that this happens immediately after some really horrible thoughts pass through my mind.  Lies from Satan, problems I keep dwelling on, lost relationships and hurt feelings I can't stop thinking about (more on the frustrating thing about friendships later) and so on and bleh bleh.  As I opened up my classy duct-taped ESV randomly (a habit I'm not entirely sure is the best way to go for all my quiet times) I came to the 64th chapter from the works of the prophet Isaiah.  Thoughts were flooding my mind that were bitter and resentful and a bit depressing.  And then, I laid my eyes on this treasure:

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down,

that the mountains might quake at your presence -

as when fire kindles brushwood

and the fire causes water to boil -

to make your name known to your adversaries,

and that the nations might tremble at your presence!

It's sweet and heavenly poetry that Shakespeare couldn't surpass given all the time in the world.  It's a cry of the soul, really the cry of my soul - the Holy Spirit bursting through my less eloquent tendencies to speak on my behalf more perfectly than I possibly could.  Oh that God would come down!  Even though I know that really he isn't just stuck up yonder above the clouds; he is here with me, encompassing every nook and cranny of space around and within me.  But there is this illusion that I'm quick to believe, that my un-satisfaction is attributed to God's far-awayness instead of some disobedience I'm caught up in.  Maybe.  Or I just love the imagery of fully experiencing God around me; his love for me so impounding that he would leave his heavenly dwelling to come down and cause the mountains to quake.  How amazing would it be to see those mountains quake just because he is there!  But it gets better:

Behold, you were angry, and we sinned;

in our sins we have been a long time, and shall we be saved?

We have all become like one who is unclean,

and all our righteousness deeds are like a polluted garment.

We all fade like a leaf,

and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

There is no one who calls upon your name,

who rouses himself to take hold of you;

for you have hidden your face from us,

and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities.

This paints a pretty good picture of the earth before the New Covenant.  Of how my life was before last summer.  All my righteous deeds, without Christ, were like a polluted garment.  And all that is not in God's name fades like a leaf.  Nice!  And here's my favorite part:

But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

There is gloriously blinding light to be found amidst the dark cloud of my sin nature.  There's something about being fashioned by the most perfect potter in the universe that is really comforting.

- Alicia

Tired of school, mucho.

So the past couple weeks I have been in this rut, where I am ridiculously exhausted from school and want out, pronto. I really only have one demanding class but that class is the most demanding, out of this world course of my life... hands down the worst class I've taken. It's called Plant Physiology, and I don't care who you are or where you go to school, DO NOT TAKE THIS CLASS...

That being said, it's really a combo of the two - my being tired of school work in general (I do have nearly 17 years of mindless assignments behind me...) and the fact that this is the hardest class I've taken - that is fueling my laziness and distaste towards this home stretch of assignments before the semester ends.  Satan also knows that laziness has been a weakness of mine since the womb, and he really knows how to magnify some inglorious characteristics of mine, always when the timing is worst.  Like when I have a lot on my plate - especially since I became Christian - I tend to get overwhelmed and drift off to la-la land for hours on end, somehow managing to do absolutely nothing productive in a 48- hour time period.  Not that I'm blaming my behavior on Satan, because I do what I do, but his undoubted influence in my life is hard to ignore.  It's hard to turn straight from Satan and run flat out in the other direction.  Maybe I do muster up the courage to do a "talk to the hand - 'cause the face don't wanna listen" number, but the whole turning and running part is painstakingly slow.  What gives?  

I guess it makes sense to be most vulnerable to Satan when you're overwhelmed.  And I definitely am.  Here's some of the things on my plate right now:

- Papers and projects for Plant Phys and Communications

- My final exams for the above classes and Biochemistry and Global Studies

- The roommate situation (though by God's grace it is getting better)

- Feeling unbearably isolated living off campus

- Raising enough money for Encounter '08

- My future, that's an everyday thing... which ministry? Philly or East Asia?

- My growing and failing friendships

- God and my fellowship with Him

- Getting back into the church atmosphere and finding new community

- ALL of my friends are engaged now, or nearly

- Depression (not nearly as bad as it was - praise God)

- Earning money next semester

- My need for a car sometime in the near future

- My lack of attendance at the gym - am I glorifying God in my body?

- Our apartment needs a vaccuum

- Etc.

Phew-ee.  I wouldn't want to be me right about now.

I guess the best thing to do is just to buckle down and do what I need to do despite my severe un-motivation and lack of desire to do anything school related.  I want to glorify God through my studies, you know?

Blessings.

I loathe that sin is a part of me. My sinfulness is taken care of but the act of sinning... not so much. I just did something I knew I shouldn't have but my sinful nature got the best of me & I did it anyway.

Afterwards though, I got a huge perspective, one of those that smack you in the face so hard you kind of stare, open-mouthed, at some spot on the wall, just marveling. I realized that I am so blessed. So, so blessed. I'm a biology major & know the worst that can happen to a person, & yes I have ailments but compared to someone with, say, no fingers, I am incredibly blessed. Don't ask why I thought of the blessing of intact limbs, I don't know why... but with working hands I can do so many more sinful things. So there's the rub. I have these wonderful digits, not severely harmed & totally in working order, yet with this blessing comes a price - more temptation and more capable of a multitude of sinful actions. Not that this takes the blame of my actions off of me at all, but still. So I have these immense blessings atop flexible fingers and yet, I sin & sin & sin.

It stinks. But I'm glad God gave me this perspective today, & I hope it will have a lasting impact the next time a sinful thought crosses my mind.

Okay so here is a song that I talked about in discipleship today and felt like the lyrics are more potent than ever, and I really understand what is being said here and I understand the sentiment entirely... it's called "A New Law" by Derek Webb.

Don’t teach me about politics and government
Just tell me who to vote for
Don’t teach me about truth and beauty
Just label my music

Don’t teach me how to live like a free man
Just give me a new law

I don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
So just bring it down from the mountain to me

I want a new law
I want a new law
Gimme that new law

Don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
I prefer a shot of grape juice

Don’t teach me about loving my enemies

Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law

What’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
For one you can that cannot get you anything
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid...

I had a rough discipleship today. I have been wondering if d-ship is the last thing I need to sever myself from, since lately I have wondered if I am benefitting from it at all. I usually come away from it more frustrated than before... which is weird because I love talking to my discipler and believe that God has sovereignly placed her in my life. I usually find myself feeling obligated to spill my guts, and talk and talk and talk and usually when I do, things get more confusing and I feel entirely hopeless about my issues and faults and my sinfulness.

Have you ever had moments where you don't want to go to God? or maybe you can't? I can't even muster up the courage to close my eyes and even attempt to pray. I have a feeling that to others, it seems like I have it all together. Sometimes, I wonder if God and I are back where we were, or where I was, last January when I stepped down from Crusade servant team because for the life of me, I had no idea where God and I stood. My feelings about God and my fellowship and relationship with Him are on this ridiculous rollercoaster. Trust me, I don't feel this downtrodden all the time. I want to just stand on His Truth full time and believe that He is good and... I want answers. I was telling my discipler today that what I really wanted was a new law. I wanted rules, I wanted a clear cut route to take and things to perform to make things well in my life. I wonder if being so open with everyone about my issues is really the solution. Is it really the healthiest thing for me? I know that God desires vulnerability with Him and with other Christians - how else can community be fostered? But I wonder if I am too vulnerable, if I am too open, if I am relying on verbal communication too much to be my stronghold and my go-to solution.

I know that I am growing, that this stubbornness is in my nature, and that my life is all about God's Kingdom and not about finding ultimate joy, satisfaction or solutions for myself... but it is so hard for me to grasp that internally, to know that deep down in my soul and let that affect all that I do. I am innately selfish and self-absorbed (the "theme" of d-ship today), after all.

The thing is... there is no clear cut solution, there is no solution but Christ, no problem other than being separated from Him. True there is no formula for me, but I do know some important things from Scripture that God has provided to guide me: daily time in the Word. How can he speak to me otherwise? Don't just read the Bible but dwell on what it says. Seek community with Christians and be in constant prayer. That makes sense to me, but what about now when I am ridiculously turned off by the mere thought of going to God? When I am just plumb tired from trying and trying and still falling short, or frustrated from still having to deal with things I dealt with years ago? What do I do when I am too exhausted by my relationship with Him to even open up His Word?

I don't want to be exhausted though! I don't want to live in sinfulness! I want to have a constant desire to see God glorified and I don't want to deal with my selfishness. But is that desire enough?

Life feels absolutely crazy right now.

Last night, I experienced something demonic in my room and it scared me so much that I burst into tears and ran outside. I feel like all parts of my life are falling apart, hanging by threads and honestly I've never been so lost before. Satan keeps reminding me of all the failures in my life, parts that aren't working out, stupid decisions I make, sinfulness that I can't seem to get rid of. You know when you are trying to rid yourself of a particular sin, it consumes your life and rules over every action you make? Like I can't do anything normal because my pride is so overwhelming in the mornings. That kind of thing. I am also out of medication and have been for about a week. It's hard to get to the pharmacy without a car.





Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.

The cry of my heart right now.

Oh lead me, lead me to the cross!

I just realized that I completely made up crap about my future plans just to make my parents happy.  To fulfill some vision they have of me of having a steady job and income and being responsible and all the wonderful things a good daughter should be... I feel like I have a really skewed view of how my parent's see me.  Sometimes though, I feel like I hit the nail right on the head.  

For instance, I know that my parent's aren't pursuing Christ in their lives.  I know that my mom is basically a social Christian and my dad is dragged to church for Christmas and Easter... it's not guessing about their salvation at this point, I have seen their actions and I couldn't be more certain about their lack of true love for God.  Perhaps because I see this in them I have jumped ahead of the gun in assuming they will never understand anything I bring to them of spiritual merit.  Of course I have prayed about their salvation, prayed and hoped that they would understand my desire to go into full time ministry, hoped they would have compassion for the fact that I can't see myself doing anything else after college.  It seems most times that I have shared the gospel they have recoiled.  They didn't understand when I told them this past summer in Philly.  I just want them to see God as I see Him, lovely and saving and glorious and compassionate and full of desires to see Himself known in the world.  But it seems that merely wanting to see my parents saved isn't enough.  I wonder if I only want them saved for selfish reasons.  So that maybe they would understand me more, understand my actions and words and decisions as a Christian and not just as a secular human being...?  I wonder about these things sometimes.

Lately I've felt pressured from my family to make some concrete decisions about my life.  Friday night I was eating dinner with my friend and I suddenly spurted out, "I want to join staff with Crusade!"  It came from no where, and basically was spurred by some emotional moment when I felt particularly inclined to Crusade.  It happens, on and off all year.  But I was vocal about it this time, and doing that somehow made things concrete in my mind.  I didn't really know if that's where God wanted me.  If that's where He wants me.  But I wanted to make a decision and have something concrete to give my parents.  I guess, subconsciously, I thought telling them something solid would make them happy, it might ease their mind and ease tensions between us...

...and that was the last thing that happened.  I called my dad, joyful to tell him the good news that I had decided what to do with my life, and it didn't receive well.  It was barely received.  My dad was left speechless, and when I asked what was wrong, he voiced a ton of suspicions.  He didn't feel like this was a "real" job, whatever that means.  He hated the fact that I was raising support for my ministry with Crusade, basically asking others for money. He felt like I was unprepared, without a back up plan.  Of course I didn't have all the answers then, I just wanted this to be a happy moment between us, I just wanted him to be happy that at last I had picked out something for me to do after graduation.  But no... it helped that he said all these things and then said reluctantly, "Well Alicia... this is your life and your own decisions..." and barely kept in a sigh.  Not.

This is so frustrating.  I JUST WANT MY PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND.  Why can't they be like other parents?  There are countless people on staff with Crusade who have parents that are supportive.  Who are seeking God and are actually excited that their sons and daughters are going into ministry and the mission's field.  But no, not mine.  Everything must be difficult with them.  They don't understand the transformation I had last summer.  They don't understand!  They are not supportive of me, and never seem to be satisfied with any of the decisions I make.  This is the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with I think.  It creates tensions between us I never thought possible.  I feel so far from my entire family right now.  I feel eons away.  I feel as if I don't even know them and that they don't know me at all, despite me growing up with them my entire life.  This sucks, and it hurts, and it's frustrating cause I just want to call my mom and tell her I want to go into college ministry and I want her to be happy that I've made a decision to pursue something I'm passionate about and something I believe God wants me to do.  But that is not going to happen.  They are skeptical.  They think I don't know anything of what I'm doing.  I tell them I believe God is leading me in a certain direction and they get quiet or start questioning or doubting and not once have I seen or experienced them happy or excited about my life since Christ came into it.  

I hate this, I hate this.

Oh lead me, lead me to the cross...

What just happened??

I say that a lot these days... many unexpected things have been gracing my life this semester, and who could have prepared me for it? At this moment I feel lost. Like there is no control in my life. Like the past three years here have cultivated immaturity, laziness, irresponsibility, naïvety... how did I let this happen? I look towards my future after college and see really how unprepared I am. It looms over me like a blackened cloud in one of those roadrunner cartoons. I feel as if the road has been pulled out right underneath my feet just to reveal empty space, no support, no structure. I realized today after reading what felt to me a nasty email my sis wrote, that I have lost control of my life and the feeling is unsettling. But isn't that good? Isn't that what Christians are supposed to do, give control to God? I feel as if that's what I've been working on since I became a follower last summer. Giving my life to Him, letting Him take control. But is there a fine line? Where does discipline come in? I thought that not worrying about my life after college was glorifying to Him. But to my family it means that I'm irresponsible and unprepared to tackle the real world, because I haven't solidified any plans or talked to them really about what I want to do. I mean, they just got news that God is leading me into ministry and that took me about 6 months to let that out of the bag. You can imagine how hard it is to be honest with my family about my desires to go into ministry, go into the missions field, work with the homeless... when I feel that all they are consumed with is success, preparedness, money, being ahead of the game, having plans, being organized. Yes those things have their merits, but where does trusting the Lord come into play?

I'm not having the best day, though hugs are making it better.

- Alicia

Here is the catch.

We want to experience a Force greater than ourselves.  We are a society lost in our own humanness, despairing at the great tragedy of our world.  We are afraid to believe that there is nothing higher than us - nothing for us but a short life span and death, buried in the earth, left to whither away while the universe dissolves.  Some don't believe there is a God, because they have not truly seen Him, they have not really felt His goodness or His love, they have not been physically affirmed of His presence because of a lack of lightening bolts or supernatural happenings.

Here's the thing, and what I was thinking about earlier today - we cannot experience these truths about God unless we come to a point in which we realize our utter hopelessness, or need for Someone other than ourselves, and run into His loving arms, full throttle and with no regrets or second thoughts or a single doubt.  We cannot experience Him truly, and cannot really know Him and His character intimately until we throw aside our petty debates, check our doubts and logic and worldliness at the door and embrace the mere possibility of Him.  There's the catch, and why all who claim there is no God because they have not yet seen His goodness, will never witness it - let alone experience it - simply waiting for it to happen.  And still with their hearts still hardened!  God is a subtle initiator, I have read this Truth in the Word and experienced it through the writing of His law on my heart.  He is not One to force His way into our hearts, if we want to experience Him, that has to be our decision to let Him in. We cannot hear Him unless we are first simply open to the possibility of Him, until we soften our hearts towards Him, until we quiet down and seek Him, listening for His beckoning whisper...

Until we at least reach that point of an open-mind, how could this entire generation ever truly know God and experience Him in a saving way?

Thankful.

Whenever great things happen, like friends come to visit, or I have amazing quiet times with God, or when I come to some awesome heart-realization, I always go through an immediate slump afterwards.  Like, for instance, my really good friend Amy from DBSP '07 came all the way from TN to visit me for the past few days.  It was beyond wonderful and encouraging to see her after so long a time, we prayed together, ate together, snuggled together and talked and talked about God, summer project memories, our futures... but the moment she left earlier today, I went into robot mode.  Instead of this awesome weekend propelling me into productiveness, I sat and watched movies all day.  Kind of like a drone.  And this happens quite a lot.  It's like I'm worried I'll lose the greatness of whatever moment has passed, like that something great will never happen again, and not doing anything helps me relish in the great moments and leave them behind a little less quickly.  I am just now convicted of this attitude I have, and I feel as if it's a lack of trust that God is faithful.  I have had so many down moments, especially this past year, that I have almost taught myself to stop desiring good things to happen.  And when things like wonderful community happen, I'm surprised almost, and I leave each moment not really believing it will ever happen again.  How did I ever get this perspective?  It don't trust that God is faithful and that He is good.  Plain as that.  But it is assuring to know that the first step in recovery is acknowledging there is a problem.

So apart from all this, I am thankful for this weekend and I praise God for being gracious and exposing me to sweet relationships so that I can keep growing to be like Christ and bring glory to His name.

- Alicia

Dark Chocolate M&Ms solve all my problems.

Oh... I wish!  They are so, so delicious.  Better than the regulars, and I am a little addicted.  What's great about them is that dark chocolate is meant to be savored, and you can't just pop them left and right without thinking like milk chocolate M&Ms.  They're ten times more satisfying, which leaves me eating less and gaining less unnecessary poundage.  Good stuff.

Yummy antioxidants aside, a lot has been happening since my last September blog.  It's a long, long story (a tome, really) but basically I am starting to see a counselor for my depression.  Well, starting.  I never knew trying to see a professional about my painful issues would be so draining.  I've jumped from person to person, neither quite working out.  I thought it would be easier.  I mean, I thought the hardest part would be simply coming to terms with the fact that I'm not quite normal, that my problems aren't normal and that my attitude and my thoughts are too unusual to pursue a working fellowship with Christ right now.  I thought admitting that I am depressed, unmotivated and anxious about everything was the hardest part.  Isn't it?  And yet, since facing myself in the mirror and being real with friends and family about it, it seems to be going nowhere.  God is good, He deserves all the glory and He knows my struggle, but it's still a draining process and I know He won't let me slip through this clinging to anything but Him.

Here is my story, and this is all coming out now because God is teaching me the sweetness of vulnerability and the nastiness of keeping emotions and experiences to myself, and the more I share my story the closer God draws me to Himself.   Three weeks ago, I was preparing to go on a Fall Retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ and the whole week I had an unsettling blurb the pit of my stomach.  Is blurb even a word?  Anyway that's what it was, a blurb, like a subtle, uncomfortable knot in my gut.  I felt that I shouldn't go.  I'd been having a rough week prior, God and I weren't on good terms, and the only justification I had for going is that all my UNCG and Wake Forest friends would be there; I hadn't seen them in ages.  Yet I still went.  I don't know still if that was God trying to stop me from going, or if it was His desire that I go - either way, I had the worst time you could possibly have in a place filled with God-praising college students.  Everything that came out of me from the moment we pulled into the campgrounds was forced and unnatural, and I was unusually tuned into myself, into my attitude and my actions towards everyone.  God seemed crazy distant, and looking at everyone having a great time, singing their love to Christ and to each other made me bitter and hardened my heart.  By the time Saturday came and the speaker gave his last talk on the lessons from Jonah, I was in a shell so impermeable that my thoughts and everything just stayed in me, nothing was transmitting in or out.  I remember staring and staring at the speaker until my eyes went blurry; I closed my Bible and stopped taking menial notes in my journal; I adjusted my body position at least five times, struggling to find a normal and relaxed pose to make it seem that things were okay; I struggled to find words for my friends sitting beside me, and all the while absolutely nothing this guy said was getting in.  I barely remember what the lesson was about, just that I was so consumed with myself, resentful and confused.  So afterwards I decided to talk to my discipler on staff with CCC, which I now recognize was an important step because normally, I don't go to her for much besides the superficial.  But even then God was showing me the importance of being vulnerable and how unhealthy it is to dwell on things besides Christ, which motivated me to talk to her.  I didn't even know what I would talk about, but as soon as she let me into her room, I felt my heart begin to loosen and gradually I spoke more and more about problems I was having, how I was struggling with family, school, my future, hurting from bad/broken relationships and after ten minutes I was basically sobbing on her floor, not knowing what to do or say, but all the while realizing that my unhappiness was at a new low.  I continued crying after some encouragement from her, walked out to the lake, sat in a few different places just staring at the sky, sobbing and sobbing and hating myself and God and my situation and basically despising everything around me.  I was crying out to God, sometimes out loud but mostly in my heart, questioning over and over and begging for release.  Begging God that he would simply tell me that He is near and that He loves me and that all of these things are for a reason and that He still has a plan for my life.  I felt inexplicably lost and naked.  I had one last burst of emotion, one last defining prayer, my face soaked and my eyes burning towards the heavens... then all of a sudden, mid-prayer and exhausted, I stopped.  I stopped praying and as I kept my face upwards I didn't see the heavens anymore but just a sky with some bright pinpricks.  I also stopped crying, like I was all dried up.  The earth beneath me became more real than before, the sound of insects chirping and buzzing around my face became loud and distinct.  I noticed ripples in the lake that I hadn't before.  I took my mind off God and instead, I was consumed with the environment around me, the natural simplicity of it, the silence more pressing than before.  I felt alone, entirely alone, alone as a human being and alone as a species, alone on this planet made of only 100 different elements, made without a God, existing without a life force or driving power.  I was tired of praying to a wall in my mind, tired of reaching without a response, tired of dealing with an increasingly feeble faith and I honestly did not know if God existed, and I didn't care.  I became agnostic at that point.  It was amazingly peaceful.  

I was fine for the next 24 hours... then the guilt began to settle in.  Sunday afternoon I began to feel repentant and silly about the whole thing, but I refused to let go of this peace because honestly, if there was no God, that would for sure be a heck of a better explanation for my anxiety, my problems and the abandonment I was feeling.  How could there be a loving God and there still be all these problems, namely this overwhelming depression in my life?  Later that evening I was back to where I was Saturday night, numbly listening to the Jonah preacher, depressed, but not quite back to believing that God existed.  God was indeed there and He didn't let me run from Him for very long before He brought a dear friend into my life to speak this wonderful Truth to me.  When Rachel stopped by that night to tell me she was moving to D.C. for her new job, I was not expecting her to speak this Truth to me.  There's something about being in fellowship with other Christians that triggers growth and change, and Rachel played a vital role in my recovery she will never understand.  After I cried to her about my horrible weekend and my agnostic views, she began to cry with me and whispered the most beautiful Truth I've ever heard, "God is real, Alicia, and He loves you, He loves you so much!"  It shattered every thought I had and it took away any breath I had left in me.  It was what I'd been pounding into my head for weeks and yet it never stuck or resonated with me until Rachel plainly spoke it to me.  Yet it was not so plain - the words were not just words, but some ultimate Truth that was beyond my comprehension, beyond the confines of my tiny mind but something I knew in my soul, something so obvious to me as gravity or the hardness of the rocking chairs we sat on.  It was simple and complex and gorgeous and dripping with a world of possibilities and hope and it triggered an unusual aching in my entire body and my soul cried, "Yes! Yes!"  In that rocking chair, holding on to Rachel and my face hot with tears, I repented and came back to a saving knowledge of Christ.  Since that fateful night I have clung to this one Truth, and nothing, nothing is sweeter to me now than to be assured that God is present, even more so that He is multi-faceted, loving and faithful - no matter my circumstances.  

To shorten things (too late!) I have since realized that while I am back on solid terms with God, my depression is getting in the way experiencing true fellowship with Him and with others, and that depression has slowly been deteriorating parts of my life for the past 8 or so years.  My discipler and others encouraged me to see a counselor, to tell others about it, to face this issue head on and to treat this as a priority in my life.  I told my parents, and they are of course supportive of me pursuing a healthier lifestyle and concerned about my well being.  It's great to have their support in this.  And yet... they do not know the Lord and don't understand my desire to see a Christian counselor, they don't get my spiritual pains and tell me that I am diagnosing myself too early.  I ache for them to be true followers and for them to know what it means to need a Savior and to know the sweetness of running into the arms of a loving Christ who has taken their place on the cross.  

Here I am, a few weeks later, reading little Scripture a day and being careful not to overwhelm myself with duties or Christian literature.  My life with God is simple at the moment and it delivers a joy I've never experienced before.  Yes, this is a draining process.  Physically and mentally I am tired of the demands put on me by my doctor and my parents, spiritually I'm tired of doubting God's goodness and feeling like I have no choice in the matter, no choice in how I feel.  Yes, there are dark days, moments of deepest depression with no warning and seemingly no escape... but the good news is that through these things, I am assured of God's provision through all this.  That moment with Rachel planted a seed in my soul that will not go away.  Despite these things my faith in Him is growing and I'm comforted that He will bring glory to His name through this!

- Alicia

Grounded.

Everything I just wrote feels like a load of fluff, compared to the fact that my friend from DBSP just found out she has a cyst on her ovary that might be cancerous, AND she has a baby on the way. Everything else seems tiny and insignificant compared to what my dear friend is going through. I could not help but feel overwhelmed by all the things going on in her life, and yet her perspective was godly and encouraging... how great is the Lord. How great is He? That's all I can think about right now.

Grounded!

Bah...

Usually I might use this word in a 'whatev' fashion; however right now I'm using it in more of a 'bah humbug' sort of way. As in bah, I'm angry, bah, I'm frustrated, bah, why isn't my rice done cooking yet (seriously, it's been cooking for well over twenty minutes.)

Let me finish making dinner so that nothing bursts into flames while I'm gone from the stove, and then I'll explain...

Back. I made stir-fry with my favorites, red onions and bell peppers. And a little Tamari soy sauce to top it off. Maybe I'll put a wok on my Christmas list this year. Anyway, delicious Asian food aside, I'm tiiiiiired. Tired of this and that. Tired of friendships not working out, of being misunderstood, of being embarassed by my friends, of not being respected even with all my leadership positions, of having a low self-image everytime I see the girls I go to school with, who are beautiful, with not much effort. And on it goes. Today I changed my outfit three times. First for a practical reason - because it was stinkin hot outside and so I switched from jeans to shorts and a t-shirt. And then, because I felt I wasn't wearing enough color, and what I was wearing was pretty drab. I feel like Jesus is shaking His head at me as I despair about how I look before I leave my apartment in the mornings. I feel like the Father is twiddling his great beard as He rolls His eyes at me worrying about the superficial to the point that it effects my whole mood...

Then, there's friendships. You think you are good friends with someone, and then they make it clear that they don't feel the same, through their actions or words, or lack thereof. I see athiests and agnostics around me have fulfilling friendships and yet, I struggle. By this I mean that there is really no one on this campus that I feel I can go to anytime, talk to them about anything, be vulnerable with, have fun with and relate to. I would really like someone to pursue a friendship with me. I've always felt my friendships were one sided, and when I do get a phone call from a friend just to say hello, it's a surprise and I'm left not really knowing how to respond. Does anyone else feel this way? How hard should it be to just have friends? Shouldn't there just be people you get along with and have things in common with? The college friendships I've known here, the ones that surround me, have always been a strange fantasy to me. I'm working on it, and I pray about this almost every day, praying that God would establish real fellowship in my life, and it's growing. But it still hurts to always be the one that calls. Or it hurts to not have anyone plan anything for your 21st, or to call saying happy birthday, or to give you a card. It hurts to feel like a second thought or last resort. Today I walked into the student center for a Campus Activities Team meeting and saw my friend ____ and of course I waved and smiled; what do I get? He stares at me and stares at me the entire time I'm walking by, even when I awkwardly laugh and ask him to stop as he's pretty much creeping me out. WITH OTHER PEOPLE THERE. Who I know. And he stared and stared. And it wasn't until I got really upset and walked away that he burst out laughing and said, "Hey." He does this constantly. Everytime I roll my eyes and tell him that it annoys me, and he keeps doing it. The worst is that it's usually in front of our friends. How do I respond to that? I barely see you and instead of a hey, how's it goin, I get an awkward, prolonged stare. To be funny. But it really isn't.

I admit that I am envious of some of my friends. I am envious of my friends that have their parents take care of everything for them. I am envious of my friends who come from solid Christian homes with siblings who are more like best friends, who have a support system on call, or even have solid Chrisitian families that are only an hour or so away. It's that easy. I wish I could call my mom after a tough day, dealing with this or that spiritual roadblock, and talk to her about my issues and have her speak the Truth to me. Other than my little sister who I witnessed come to Christ last year, my family doesn't know the Lord and they don't love Him in a personal way. Trying to talk to my mom about my issues with vulnerability or my quiet times is like a farmer asking advice about pigs from a runway model. It doesn't make sense. I have tried and it's like talking to a wall, where they just nod their head and say, "Uh huh," and the rest is silent. I hate not being able to be vulnerable even with my parents! I just wish they knew how much I love the Lord. And I wish they loved Him as much and even more than I do. This combined with my friendship issues leaves me feeling alone and unloved; and yet, this week I was overwhelmingly reminded that I am loved, more than any human could ever comprehend... I am loved by the King. I just wish that were enough for my soul. To say, Your love is enough, O Lord... when inside I am yearning for basic friendship.

I don't know, maybe I am overreacting. I tend to do that sometimes. After I vent I ask for God's perspective on things and everything always seems less horrible. I think that God is telling me to continue in my pursuits of Him even with the struggles, with the envy in my heart and continue to confess my guilt to Him and continue to be bathed in His forgiveness and grace. His grace is enough.

- Alicia

Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship!

One of my favorite quotes from The Office, right before Andy punches his fist into the wall in a furious rage... perfect.

Anyway, I love reading blogs, especially Christian ones - I find encouragement at the oddest/unexpected times and most awesomely, Godly perspective. It's always cool after reading a common passage in the Bible, listening to every sermon on the subject and then reading a random blog about it and being transformed by some new perspective. Speaking of... here's some of a blog I like from Stuff Christians Like about the prodigal son, from Luke 15.

I think that is something we Christians forget that we need to be found. We think it's already happened. We ascribe events to our faith and say things like, "I became a Christian in the fourth grade" or "I gave my life to Christ last year." I like the present tense better. I like how words like becoming and being and giving, capture that faith isn't so much an event as it is an experience. It isn't so much something you do once, but rather something you do. We need to be found. Not once in a single moment of salvation but daily. Hourly even, we need the God of the universe to come running. To find us. To know us and love us.

I don’t know where you are right now. Maybe you’re found, maybe you’re lost, but regardless, please know that there is a father watching your road. It is all he does. His beard is growing long, his stomach is going empty as he waits by the road for you. He won’t leave. He can’t leave as long as you’re still out there. You need only get up and go and wait for the sound of desperate feet in the distance.

I like envisioning God growing a beard, it getting longer and wispier as He waits for His children to turn the corner and embrace Him.

- Alicia

Is this so much to ask, friends?

I wish everyone I knew would stop getting engaged. There - I said it. There have been a handful of engagements that I can think of just off the top of my head, just from the summer!


My scope of friends who were in that 'single & happy ' crowd is dwindling, and it's dwindling fast. Some thoughts... it's so hard to be content being single when 1) guys you've liked for a good year but never really told them decide to match up with someone else out of the blue, 2) everytime you log into facebook there's a new, cartoon heart letting you know that yet again, a dear friend has found their soul-mate, 3) you keep seeing more and more photos of engagement rings you hadn't known about a week ago, etc. Lately this week, being home, with a family that's barely home, there's been huge opportunities to become a second mother - whether is cleaning, cooking, organizing, or keeping the household in order. My wife/mother mode has been turned on high these past days and I don't know why. I certainly doesn't help that more and more great friends of mine are getting into relationships, getting engaged, getting married (there have been three weddings in the past two months alone) and having babies... granted I do not want children now, I don't want to get married or engaged... but I do want a relationship. What girl doesn't? And of course as I type this I'm convicted that perhaps, God does not want me in a relationship. And even as I type, again I am convicted of the silliness of my problem and how really, my focus is too worldly to be a follower of Christ. How to fix it?

- Alicia

Philly blog to come soon.

Very soon, I hope. When it's not 2 am, when the Olympics aren't on and Michael Phelps isn't around to distract me with his swimming greatness and adorable grin... So part of the reason I've waited from writing a Philly blog is because I am drained. Spiritually I am drained, concerned, not necessarily dead inside, but my quiet time is more of an obligatory drudge through 2 Corinthians than what used to be joyful time spent falling in love with God. I want a good day of relaxing, of no worries, maybe away from the house, on the beach, with my Bible and John Piper and the grubby Chesapeake Bay. Maybe some pomegranate juice, my favorite. Maybe this day won't happen and it's just wishful thinking on God's agenda. Maybe I am being lazy and just waiting for God to do His magic. Also I'm buying a new computer this week, but I'm still comparing prices and getting advice from my dad about what computer is best and yatatta yatatta. It's all very stressful.

Onto this great new blog I found called Stuff Christians Like and it's wonderful. It's pretty funny and just shy of offensive - but it's fresh and at times a stark realization of how weak, hypocritical, judgemental, etc. we are (I am). Reading some of them shows me how silly I am about certain things, but also encourages me that some things I've been recognizing this entire year in my walk are recognized by tons of other Christians - at least this guy, Jon, who writes the blog. Some of my favorites are:

# 373 - The Prayer Ninja
# 92 - Riding on the cool van in youth group
# 370 - Getting addicted to religion

My testimony of finding Christ deals with this. Here's a quote from this entry I like:

I didn't know there was such as thing as too much faith or too much Jesus or too much Bible or too much God. But that's not what the counselor said. He said I was addicted to religion, not God. And there's a big difference. I tried to push back on this new piece of information. It wasn't possible. I couldn't possibly be using religion as a way to act out, as a method of gaining an emotional high or medicating a pain I didn't want to deal with. I couldn't possibly be hiding inside the constructs of religion to escape reality.

But slowly but surely, I started to see the truth. I realized that after coming home to God in the sense of the Prodigal Son story, I had grown impatient. Things were not happening as fast as I thought they should. My definition of redemption was not unfolding in the way I would have planned it. And like author Gerald May writes, I began "trying to command the very process of healing."

# 367 - Asking for money at church
# 366 - Holy quotes at the end of emails
# 364 - Feeling unqualified for "that thing"
# 263 - Competing in the "VBS classroom decoration wars."
# 262 - Hoping TBS edits the Sex and the City movie, too
# 260 - Drawing in the bulletin
# 259 - Thinking faith is an event
# 253 - Painting God mad

I challenge you to read them all. They are wonderful and delightful because they are true. I have experienced half of them and know others who have dealt with the other half of the issues this blog is all about. Definitely visiting this more often!

Fave Philly Photos.

Pre-hair cut, with my new Buddah friend, at Morris Arboretum.

At the Chop Shop. Brooke did a stellar job AND she was super cute. She's getting married this fall! <3

Before taking my new hair out on the town, I had to try my first ever falafel. Minus the Satanic hot sauce I mistook for pesto, it was delish!

We celebrated my (and Kim's) new hair by trying on the most horrid 80s prom dresses we could find and violating the thrift store rules by taking multiple photos in them.

Kim says I'm the new Disney princess!

Thank God for telephones.

They're great for limiting awkward face to face time with people you'd rather, well, not talk to face to face. Yet they still allow for copious amounts of awkwardness. I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine, and can I just say for various reasons it was the most liberating conversation of my life? Issues were dealt with, maybe not in an obnoxious and dramatic way, but they were dealt with. I can honestly say a particular issue with this person is out of my life. It's certainly easy when God makes it that way... or the person initiates the convo...

In other news I have officially Israeli folk danced. I felt like I was the bride at a Jewish wedding. We rode the subway to a synagogue half an hour out of Philly to attend a class taught by a connoisseur of folk dancing, this amazing man who makes his living off of teaching people this beautiful art form, that really is an expression of joy. I want to bring this to my school and start a club. What a stress reliever and just what Kim, Sonia and I needed after nine hard weeks of work. I can't believer there is only one week left of this beautiful city with my beautiful new friends. I'm going to miss them a ton.

In even other news I am officially addicted and obsessed with Twitter. Except it's hard finding people I know on Twitter - hopefully it will catch on this year! I love it and it's such an amazing way to keep in touch with and connect with friends and family. Here's my page: https://twitter.com/alicialandale. Check it out! <3

I see His love and mercy, washing over all our sin.

I can't breathe...

God, this is a direct letter to You - please reach out to me in grace and listen to my prayer!

I am astounded. I want selfless faith in You. I am beginning to see it in my life. You have to shake me up for me to realize, really, how good You really are, how perfect is your timing, how wide and huge and abounding is Your love. I LOVE YOU! I want to love you with all my heart and soul and strength and mind. I want to know you so intimately I don't know where I end and where You begin. This week - this week you have shown Yourself to me in ways I didn't know were possible. In ways You never have before. You open my eyes. You cover me in grace and extend mercy to me. You challenge me to prompt change in me. I am growing to become more and more the woman You desire me to be... I am thankful. I am thankful You NEVER GIVE UP. I am thankful You are with me to the end of the ages. Till I am dead and gone and I have been lifted up to be in Your presence, for all of eternity. How sweet to be loved by You, to be cherished by You, as a Father loves His child. I don't deserve it. I deserve Your wrath that is as perfect as Your love is. Thank You for Your beloved Son that gave it up, all of it, for me on the cross! I can't say it enough! You bought me with a price, the price of Your Son... I am eternally grateful and in awe of what You have ordained and what You do and who You are. You encountered me in a saving way over a year ago and I was never the same! You speak to me in ways nothing else ever has or ever will. You have spoken to me in volumes this summer. You led me to Philly to reveal more of Yourself to me. To teach me. To mold my heart. To continue to perfect me in the image of Christ. To share Your love with this beautiful community. Lord, I am weak. I don't follow Your will all the time. I turn from You when I am tired, or in despair, or confused or frustrated. But You are always there when I realize my folly and turn back to You. You never forsake me. Father, judge me according to my deeds and may everything I do be done for You. May you look down upon me that day of judgement with pleasure, because of what I have done for Your glory and Your glory alone here on earth...

Amen.

So, right now is not really the time to explain my feelings behind this prayer. But I was prompted suddenly to write this. Maybe I'll expound later. Man, God is good.

Philadelphia update, this past week, etc.

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
Seeking a moment every fix

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you...

The song is "Mercy" by OneRepublic, and it's probably about some girl the lyricist is thankful about... but, I just listened to it on Pandora and fell in love with the lyrics, and thought of Jesus - who else? My Angel of Mercy...

This week has really meant a lot to me. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, all that.

Spritually... My life is all about my job now - or it was, earlier this week. I got so caught up in it, in issues with my mentor, in the project itself, flipping out about the shortened time to get everything finished, getting bored with it, etc. I really felt lost with my project, even after talking to my mentor about it, how my whole project is exploding like the 4th of July in downtown Philly every time I look into a 200-yr old volume. Which I do, a lot. My life this past month has been a bunch of dusty old tomes full of orange book goo that gets all over my clothes, and I always end up smelling like a 19th century attic afterwards. Anyway that's what I've been obsessing over this week, and of course when I obsess over things I get unhappy because that's more time I spend focusing on worldly things and less time I spend focusing on God and what He wants. Naturally I didn't find joy in the Lord because I was lamenting over things that are already in God's control, I just didn't realize it yet. Then, Wednesday after kayaking with the REU gang, I had a revelatory experience. I felt particularly disgusted with myself or a reason I won't say here, I was upset. But instead of concentrating that anger on God or someone else, I focused it onto myself; I hated myself for the things I did (and do) - nothing really in particular, just my sinfulness. Sometimes I have these moments where I hate the fact that I'm sinful and I hate that I must struggle with sin all my life. It really put things into true focus for me, true perspective. I saw my helplessness but instead of dwelling I on it I saw the blinding light of Christ and the healing and provision he gave on the cross for me... I honestly have never been more grateful for the gift of Christ in my life. I decided to read through Psalms aloud and can I just say how great that is? To read aloud the Word of God and hear it coming out of my own mouth was transformational. I need to do it more often.

Physically... we walk everywhere in Philly, but that didn't prepare me for the annual REU canoe/kayak trip to the NJ Pine Barrens this Wednesday. SUPER intense, we paddled so much and dodged about 200 day campers from Brooklyn in their canoes, my arms hurt like whoa... but I could move mountains with my new biceps.



That's me, walking on water.

It was a ton of fun, super long but I got to play with my new friends in a creek so who's complaining? The creek is tea colored thanks to some secondary compounds secreted by the Cypress trees everywhere - pretty cool.

Emotionally... I had a good cry this week, too. Cries are good. Just let it aaall out sometimes.

- Alicia

Meeting Arnold...

My new friend Kim and I (she works in the Botany dept. with me) are volunteering tomorrow with the National Governor's Association. We are both working at the "Tastes of Philly" event tomorrow night, we're super nervous and super excited at the same time. I love volunteering. It should be a fun experience... Kim and I are probably the youngest people to volunteer. We had a training session/overview of the whole kitten-caboodle Wednesday night at a swanky hotel in downtown Philly, with free pizza, cookies and coffee... Kim and I overloaded on the coffee :) But hey, when it's free, ya know? I have no self-constraint. I think it has something to do with being a college student.

Anyway most of the current state governors and their wives will be in Philly this weekend, as well as some former governors. Of course Gov. Rendell of PA will be there, Maryland's O'Malley and his wife will be there, but also... Arnold Schwartzenneger (sp?) and his wife Maria, aaaand Bill Clinton since he was governor of Arkansas. Hillary Clinton? Probably not. The coolest part is we get to act part-security, ask people for their official ID and welcome all the governors at the "Tastes of Philly" event. There will be plenty of FBI and undercover cops, and we have to report anything fishy... serious stuff. We had to fill out a bunch of forms to volunteer and the police do a background check, otherwise pretty much anyone can do it if they want. I'm mostly excited about asking Arnold to see his governor's pin and other forms of ID when he shows up... and all the free food.

I'm such a college student.

- Alicia

When you remember the stripes!

I don't really know for sure what this song by The Shins is about, but it's dang good. I think about, of all things, remembering good times from the past few weeks, and good times from last summer in Daytona. I just saw a few pictures of my friends from DBSP '07 during a re-visit these past couple weeks. I've let go for the most part, of little (and big) attachments I had to that place and that experience, so mostly when I saw the photos I just wanted to be there with them. God does a really amazing job at taking our minds off and away from things that hinder our relationship with Him!

I'm wearing a super cute skirt today. I feel like a million bucks.

I'm reading "Don't Waste Your Life" by the petite but always commanding John Piper. In the first chapter he shares a testimony of the strength Christ has been to him, the people in his life that shaped his view on eternity and living your life out to the glory of God. I love how he writes that bringing God glory and enjoying Him - finding complete joy in simply knowing Him - is the same as glorifying Him. The two are one in the same. I know I get confused so easily, still only a year into our relationship, about pursuing happiness and bringing God into the light, and sharing Him with others. Like John Piper I used to think the two weren't interchangeable. That I couldn't be happy and glorify Him at the same time for extended periods. But now I know that in fact, finding joy in Christ, simply knowing Him, and knowing Him personally, experiencing His righteousness, experiencing the presence of a convicting Holy Spirit inside of me, are all examples of bringing Him glory. It's an awesome concept but frustrating when you don't understand it at a heart level.

It's times like these, working late hours at the academy, not being around my friends from home or school, in a loud, boisterous, and sometimes sullen place like Philly, I wish feelings weren't as important to me as they are. Lately I am learning that, no matter what, how I feel, or whichever side of the bed I wake up from, God's Word is still unshakable Truth. My feelings get me to doubt that Truth really easily. Sometimes, when I have a crap day at the Academy, I easily and suddenly turn to worldly pleasures to make me happy again, and how quickly I shuffle away from spending time with Him, being vulnerable with Him and sharing my troubles with Him. And then, like a cycle, I feel guilty about not turning to eternal means of satisfaction and I run further into superficial things that only satisfy me a little bit. Thank God that our relationship is a growing one, and that I've gotten better about this, a lot since I gave my life over to Christ so many months ago. So for that I'm eternally grateful, it's definitely a wonderful and beautiful thing and evidence that God does work from the inside out, evidence that God is even working.

I love the things I am learning up here in this lovely, brotherly city. They're mostly small things. For one, I'm no where near how depressed I was this past school year, or even times in Daytona. Realizing how much I have been pulled out of the chains of depression in the past months was incredible - and I was on my knees in adoration and utter amazement when I came to that realization. Utter amazement. There's no other word for it, when you understand how completely and monumentally God has changed you. Especially if you pray for a particular change... and it hits you suddenly, how flipping different you really are since you allowed Christ to start hammering away at your sinful frame and replacing it with righteousness... I am blown away at that. So, there's that, the fact that God has pulled me out of the deepest parts of depression it's possible for me to bear right now. Magically, all this has happened in the past month or so, really since I came to Philly. I wonder if this is the only reason God called me to Philly this summer; if it is, praise be to God and I will walk away extremely blessed and joyful. I'm also learning to appreciate Him, and me, for who He is and for who I am destined to be. I'm learning to appreciate the simply yet wholly complicated beauty of Christ, and I'm beginning to see His beauty in myself. I'm starting to love my friends more. I'm losing the love I had for myself and pouring it out, instead, on the people around me... slowly. But that's growth, and the patience of God as He waits for me to learn how to give myself entirely to Him and to His control.

I had the poopiest day at work today. Lately I am frustrated with my job, and my mentor who I work with. I could spend the next few sentences listing the things I'm upset about or attributes about my mentor I don't like, but that wouldn't do any good - instead, I am trusting that God's goodness is at work, and remind myself that I am probably being selfish and not dealing with the task I'm being given. It's another struggle to give to the Lord, for Him to work it out to His glory. Which is all that matters, right? I'm reminded a lot lately how important that is - and how unimportant anything and everything else is. Give God the glory. That's what I was created for. It's a cool thing to know in my heart - where my character comes from, like Jesus describes in Matthew 15. What I know at a heart level is what defines me.

Anyway... I wish I could explain here what God has been doing to me and through me here in Philly, but know it's amazing, and good, really good.

I love summers! Especially lazy summers at the lake, even more especially at the Poconos here in PA, where I can kayak till my arms fall off then sit in the shore and read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. Where I can eat Mrs. McGrath's delish, cranberry scones till I'm literally exploding with yumminess, play rummy with my REU friends while the sun sets, go sailing all day and get smacked countless times by the main sail, say hello to all the lake neighbors and have all of them wave cheerily back, and get to know my new friends a little better... this weekend was definitely blessed, a warm retreat from the fast and loud city, where Creation abounded and you could just breathe. It was stellar, and now none of us wants to work this week :)

ps. How many more of my friends are getting engaged this summer?!

Rocky!

Wow. I had no idea there was something so superficial missing from my life, I was positively un-American before I saw this movie. It's really really good, who knew it was a love story? And after seeing it, I really can't imagine my life without the Italian Stallion :) It's even more awesome watching it from the steps of the famed Philly Art Museum. People were going crazy, news crews from Fox and Abc were present and half the city was out on the steps cheering Rocky on and waving their plastic American flags. I do feel more patriotic, and more American if you will, after watching this movie. Definitely updating "favorite movies" on facebook.

- Alicia

Finallyyyy watching "Rocky" tonight.

I came into work today to get a few things done (aka have computer time - facebook, last.fm, my blog, etc.) and thought I'd post my abstract for the research I'm doing here in Philly. It's due at the end of the summer along with a scary presentation... eek! Anyway, here it is. Grab some popcorn and enjoy.

The herbarium at the Academy of Natural Sciences of Philadelphia (PH) is an extensive collection of approximately 1.5 million specimens acquired all over the world, the most valuable of which are included in the Academy’s type collection of thousands of specimens. Each taxon is represented widespread in many cases by dozens of species, notable specimens including those being hundreds of years old, many authored by Carol Linnaeus himself, or collected by other distinguished botanists from the 18^th –19^th centuries… Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to name a few. Also worthy of study are the extensive type specimens of the Polygalaceae (Milkwort) family, especially those from its largest genus, Polygala (500+ spp.) from which the family derives its namesake. The goal of our project for the 2008 summer was essentially to verify the type statuses of 50 of these Polygala specimens (out of approximately 150 in the collection) based on information about each author, species, collector, etc. The steps of our project were as follows: 1) compile a list of the names, authors, and publications of the Polygala specimens chosen to consider, 2) conduct research in the Academy’s library to find and obtain copies of the original publications, some of which are obscure, difficult to locate and are in Latin or other languages, 3) obtain a plethora of information on the species from online databases and various herbaria websites, 4) verify the type statuses of our chosen specimens based on all this information and 5) database and image the verified types. The ultimate results of our research were the proper designation of types or non-types, with the possibility of publishing upon finding new types and by process of typification.

The following are our diagnoses of each Polygala species and their respective specimens uncovered in the Academy’s type collection. Labels were made for each according to our findings and applied to the specimens, respectively.

P. acanthoclada A. Gray, Proc. Amer. Acad. Arts 11:73. 1876.

Paratypes (2). Lectotype previously chosen by Wheelock in Mém. Torr. Bot. Club 2: 144, 1891. This specimen was deposited in the Gray Herbarium at Harvard University. In Wheelock’s publication of P. acanthoclada, he describes the type as “Colorado or Utah. – San Juan River, 1875, T.S. Brandegee, (type).” This differs from our two specimens of P. acanthoclada which both have No. 1172 written on their labels, with the description, “On the San Juan, near the Utah line,” written by Asa Gray himself. In further support, the original description of A. Gray lacks mention of the distinguishing No. 1172. Both specimens in the type collection were collected in August 1875 on Hayden’s U.S. Geological Survey, by T.S. Brandegee. One of the specimens’ labels was written by A. Gray, confirmed by comparing the label to handwriting samples of his. The other label, however, was left undetermined – it differs greatly from the handwriting of A. Gray, as well as from the handwriting of Brandegee. It was assumed that the handwriting belongs to J.K. Redfield, whose herbarium donated the specimen.

That's just the beginning, we have a bit more specimens to look through and an article to write and get publish for the lectotypes we diagnosed but I wanted to show the bulk of what I'm doing this summer. The research can be boring sometimes, till God reminds me of the awesome opportunity this is, then I get my act together and start appreciating it more. Most of all, I'm liking biology again, which is completely God answering long prayers for the past six months. All I can say is God is gracious and I don't deserve this summer!

Tonight a few of us are going the Art Museum - aka the Rocky steps - and watching the movie! I guess they do this often and it's totally a tourist thing to do, but hey, we're tourists. And I've never seen Rocky! Basically I expect to be blown away, the way Philly is obsessed over this movie.

I miss my friends, mucho, and wish they were all here, it's hard being in a place I've never been before and with people I didn't know a month ago - but the transition is smooth. My roommate Susan and I have a cute, new basil plant for our window sill, but I haven't had a chance to use it yet. I cook a TON up here. Mostly I just like buying a lot of fresh produce and throwing it in a pot/pan, but I really don't know what I'm doing. Lately my favorite is scrambled tofu, rice, a pepper medley, chopped garlic (I put it in everything) and Masala sauce. It's easy to make and covers a few food groups. I have yet to try out any recipes from my favorite (and only) vegetarian cookbook but there's six weeks left so I haven't lost hope!

Right now I'm thinking about just heading out because I'm not really motivated to work on my abstract anymore, plus I've eaten all my Swedish Fish. Insert sad-face here.

- Alicia

The things we fight over....

This is wonderful and hillarious, who knew we were a society so passionate about rhetorical devices and literary gestures?

Has modern life killed the semicolon?
By Paul Collins
Posted Friday, June 20, 2008, at 4:51 PM ET

When the Times of London reported in 1837 on two University of Paris law profs dueling with swords, the dispute wasn't over the fine points of the Napoleonic Code. It was over the point-virgule: the semicolon. "The one who contended that the passage in question ought to be concluded by a semicolon was wounded in the arm," noted the Times. "His adversary maintained that it should be a colon."

French passions over the semicolon are running high once again. An April Fool's hoax this year by the online publication Rue89 claimed that the Nicolas Sarkozy government planned to demand "at least three semicolons per page in official administrative documents." Parliamentarian Benoist Apparu was in on the joke—"The disappearance of the semicolon in Eastern France is absolutely dramatic," he gamely proclaimed—and linguist Alain Rey (barely) kept a straight face for a video calling Frenchmen to arms. Reporters were taken in, since, like every great hoax, it was plausible enough to be true. Le Figaro has proclaimed, "The much-loved semicolon is in the process of disappearance; let us protect it," and there was even a brief attempt at a Committee for the Defense of the Semicolon—a modern update on the Anti-Comma League that France had back in 1934. French commentators blame the semicolon's decline on everything from "the modern need for speed" to the corrupting influence of English and its short, declarative sentences. It's a charge leveled for years stateside, too, with Sven Birkerts bemoaning the Internet's baleful influence on semicolons a decade ago.

Has modern life killed the semicolon?

Read the rest of the article here.

Too funny not to share.

- Alicia

He knows...

Exactly what I (we) need to hear. I have been feeling a lot like this lately. Lost, confused, worried about my relationship with God, upset at friends that keep letting me down, always frustrated that God and I aren't where I want to be. Especially last night... last night was horrible. It was like I've never been more distant from God's presence and yet, He was a force inside of me so big and fierce I wanted to explode. My heart actually hurt for a while. Thoughts crossed my mind that scared the crap out of me and I never, ever want to experience that low again. I've been in a weird, kind of 'limbo' state since then, quietly apologizing to God for my outburst of hatred toward Him last night, for my actions, for my quickness to abandon and doubt Him. And then I read this, from a friend who sends out devotions through a Facebook group, usually every day. They typically are just 'feel-good' messages to me but recently, God has really spoken through them, moved me and convicted me. I hope that it speaks volumes to you, whether you have made the decision to accept Christ as your Savior or not - for you, I hope reading this will bring you a step closer to knowing Him personally.

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."
-James 4:8

Doesn't it feel like for every step you take to get closer to God, you somehow end up taking two steps back? Doesn't it feel like the closer you grow to God, the harder it feels to keep it that way? God desires intimacy with us. So much so, I bet you His heart aches for it. But, unfortunately, a lot of us can characterize our relationship with Him as being...well, distant.
Since we as humans love our comfortable little lives and don't like being out of our comfort zone too much, we like our faith to be comfortable. Seriously...sometimes my flesh wants to cower at the thought of going out and preaching the gospel, even though I know it's the truth and people need to hear it. Sometimes my flesh cringes at the thought of doing something dangerous for Jesus and putting my life on the line, yet I know that my spirit would gladly do it. But let's just face it--all relationships involve risk. That's how God made them. In order to grow in them, it requires us opening up and baring our soul to others. It leaves us feeling vulnerable, but that's how it's supposed to be.
The same is true of your relationship with God. You'll never grow close to Him unless you start becoming more vulnerable and really opening up to Him more. He already knows what you're thinking, feeling, what's in your heart, and the deepest darkest parts of your soul that you hide from everyone. There's nothing about you He doesn't know, so why hide it from Him? Talk to God about your fears. What's on your heart currently. What's bothering you. What you really want to do when you're out of high school or college. What you DON'T want to do after getting out of either one. What makes your heart ache. What makes your knees shake. What makes you uncomfortable. And what is making you hurt right now. The point is to share life with God. You're in a life-long committed relationship with Him now, and just like any relationship, you need to work at it. And you have to want it.
You could stay on the sidelines, a comfortable distance away from God, where you don't have to really do anything except read your Bible every night and pray every once in a while. Or you could grow in intimacy with the Lord by spending time with Him deep in prayer and His word every day, opening up to Him and baring all before Him. The latter isn't as comfortable, but it's what God desires with you. Are you ready to work for it?

Amazing...

- Alicia

God is... hmm.

Well, He is good.

I had an interesting night last night, one of vulnerabilities (LOADS of them), some tears, moments when I thought my heart would explode out of my chest from too much stress and emotion and anger towards the One who gave me life... yeah. More on that later?

I have to head to the library to find some hundred year-old books from dead guys, about a random plant called Polygala verticillata var. ambigua. This job is starting to get monotonous.

- Alicia

Soy, veggies, deliciousness, oh my!

Yum, I love being vegetarian. Sadly, it used to translate into insane healthiness, but the more I am vegetarian with a college budget the harder it is for me to make good choices. I love vegcooking.com, full of both meat and dairy-free recipes, alternatives and cooking tips. I could browse this website all day. Thank goodness for Trader Joe's on 23rd and Market, which I just discovered yesterday and they have some of the best and healthy food for the cheapest price. I went a little crazy and bought peppers, garlic, bananas, apples, apricots, soy milk, hummus, Tofutti Cuties... delish. I'd never shop this well if I were still eating meat, if I wasn't a PETA member with animal cruelty-conscious friends to reveal the joys of Whole Foods and the delicious simplicity of throwing a bunch of veggies in a sauté pan. All the while reducing the demand for meat and other animal products that inevitably supplies animal cruelty. Have I mentioned I love being vegetarian?

- Alicia

Babies, and other good things in this world.

I found this on a friend's facebook (0kay, I found it on a friend of a friend's facebook, I'll admit I'm a creeper...) and I couldn't resist using it. Because folks, this is precisely what I look like when I eat chocolate cupcakes. Any cupcake, really.

This baby - apart from being ridiculously cute - is so happy. I mean, we're talking true, chocolaty bliss. This baby has no care in the world, except how to put the most of this sticky goodness into his mouth as fast as possible - who cares about the mess, or anything else for that matter, when cupcakes are on the line? And it's the same with Christ - how my relationship with Him should be. How's that for a transition.

Let me clarify why I think Jesus Christ is like a moist, chocolate (best if it's vegan!) cupcake - I mean that as this little babe cherishes what is in front of him (or what's left of it), in pure ecstasy over its deliciousness and decadence and simply happy, so I should be over my Savior, Jesus. He should stir up in me desires so deep and unadulterated that I am wholly unsatisfied till I am completely wrapped in His arms and so immersed in a relationship with Him that I don't know where I end and He begins. How beautiful.

Sometimes, especially seeing this photo, however incredibly adorable, I'm reminded and convicted of how often we go after worldly things to bring us short and quick satisfaction. How many times is this referenced to in Scripture? How many Psalms are there from David that lament over this very problem?

How often we reach for those chocolate cupcakes, if you will, instead of reaching out for our Bible or seeking the encouragement of Christian fellowship. That's definitely true for me. How often since I've been up here in Philly, have I chased after the comfort of Law and Order: SVU or even the approval of my mentor? It's human nature, I guess. To want to grab that vegan, chai tea latte cupcake - seriously, yum - from the bakery on 21st and Chestnut instead of just sitting down and talking to God when we're unsatisfied, frustrated, confused, or things get hectic. I want that to be so programmed in my mind this summer that I don't even think twice, I just run full throttle into the arms of my loving God, into the mercy He has especially reserved for me, for His elect. The living blood of Jesus Christ is so much more satisfying than a whole barrel full of dairy-free cupcakes, am I right? Yet the battle continues.

Mostly what I love about this metaphor is the irresistibleness embodied by both. They are so irresistible that both are programmed into my being, as a natural desire to have them. Of course the chocolate part has more to do with being a woman than anything else, but the yearning for Christ, for His Spirit to fill me, has everything to do with my role as His follower, as one of the chosen to know Him intimately. My soul aches for more of Him like my taste buds ache for sugary confections. My spirit wants to be enveloped by His goodness as much as my heart and body want to go against His commandments... but the good news, the glorious news, is that God has equipped me forever with a best friend, a holy mentor, an eternal motivator - His very own, unrelenting Spirit, to guide me from sin to righteousness, to change me permanently from the inside out. One day, far into eternal life, the desires of my heart and my soul will be the same, and my taste for irresistible, chocolaty baked goods will be a thing of the past... that's something to cherish, to be simply happy about.

To bring ya'll up to date on my life this past summer, I was offered a position as an REU (Research Experience for Undergraduates) intern at the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia - and the opportunity is once in a lifetime, so I took it and I've been here for three weeks already. There are 7 of us that work in different departments of research at the Academy, alongside a mentor, an expert in their field. The experience is beyond valuable and I've learned so much already, mostly about working with others, how to tackle real-life problems and how to stand on my own feet to figuring out solutions, but not being timid about asking questions or letting others know when you have no idea which way is up. Everyone I work with is passionate about what they do and it's inspiring, and every day I feel blessed that God brought me here, and I frequently reminded of the task He has set before me here in Philly - exactly what that is I'm not really sure, I may never know, but I know that I am here to proclaim the good news to those who will hear it, whether through my words, my attitude or actions. This Scripture is particularly important to me this summer, and I hope you would dwell on it and pray that God would make this passage from Hebrews a heart-knowledge for you as you pursue His will for you this summer.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, we must get rid of every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and run with endurance the race set out for us, 2 keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set out for him he endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God. - Hebrews 12:1-2

Much love, from the city of brotherly love!

- Alicia