I just feel like bloggin'.

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months...) where you have a million great ideas, musings, opinions, interesting things to ponder, but never quite figure out how to word it all, let alone eloquently? Or how to join all of those things together in a meaningful, witty and insightful way? Isn't it frustrating? It's as if I have the secret answer to a huge problem that I want to share with the world, but I can't figure out how to communicate it or express myself in an understandable way.

Today is that day. I think that's why I adore Twitter so much. The smallest thought, idea or lyric that pops into my head already has a tidy niche waiting for it. Here's some pretty random things I've been pondering today:

I realized today how seriously a mess I get when I don't make time for Jesus.

I really hate when people drag their feet.

I'm happier and more joyful than ever. I'm loving my friendships and learning to stop living for others instead for Jesus and His good purposes.

I was waiting for the shower in our apartment to open and decided to take a look at some old blogs of mine. I had a Xanga for the first two years of college and MAN were things different. My attitude, the things I said, the words I used, my priorities. I can see a misty sadness lining most of my entries, a sense of un-fulfillment lingering after I signed off on each post. It was ridiculous how Christian I thought I was, how much I remarked on the "blossoming of me and God's relationship" and how much I idolized certain people in my life as well as Campus Crusade. I put a lot of things on a pedestal and I had some unhealthy addictions and priorities.

My life's path has been somewhat reversed. By that I mean compared to most believers I know. I was a huge wreck before the explosion on my heart and life two years ago, and I see that more and more the further in Christ I grow. Socially I was a mess, my character left a lot to be desired, I was always unsure, unconfident, confused, always putting myself down, yearning for acceptance and beauty, and I placed all the blame for these things on everyone and everything else. I didn't really have an identity and I didn't identify with anything at all. My relationships in retrospect weren't genuine and many were destructive... enter Jesus. BAM, I'm hit with a new spirituality, encountering a loving and living God so intimately I don't know where I end and He begins. My spiritual life grows in the Lord, I begin discerning the Word and experiencing Truth for the first time, and my quiet times flourished. But all other parts of my life remained stagnant, and I quickly realized the danger in separating my life into different parts and only allowing God to impact that spiritual part. And now, so long after finally accepting Jesus on His terms, I am coming to experience a Christian LIFE such that God and my spirituality and quiet times permeate all aspects of my life. Christianity to me now is a way of life - THE way of life - rather than a warm and fuzzy emboldening of my spirituality. Socially I've seen myself improve exponentially, especially in this last semester. Relationships, community, having natural friendships. That's something I never really had before. I'm beginning to understand and embrace confidence, joy, purpose... but the big difference here is that it's not confidence in me, but Something higher. God became and continues to be my lifeline, the bolstering force that gives me joy and purpose in life. Right now I'm noticing His influence in my social life and my community. These things are all more natural to me than they ever were. Things like enjoying friendships, being myself around people without freaking out or worrying to the nth degree about what they're thinking. This might not sound like a big deal, but to my understanding most people - at least the people I know - come into their own or gather some sense of self as an adolescent. But for me, understanding myself or having any self worth hasn't come until now, a soon-to-be college graduate. I feel like a late bloomer. But God's timing is and always will be... perfect.

I don't know how much of that made sense, but it makes perfect sense to me and it's definitely one of those "Aha!" things I've been musing over.

Awesomeness.