Reassessing.

Lately I've been desiring to reassess life, Jesus, where exactly He and I stand, and just how I really feel about this whole Christianity thing.

It's been more than a week since my falling out, and the most palpable outcome is the emptiness. The emptiness I feel is real and tangible. I admitted to my sister today how much purpose I find in my work at Ripley's, and how depressed and angry I am when I have days off. Where is my purpose found now? My worth? In my job at Ripley's Aquarium. Talk about a red flag, especially when it's all written out like this...

Then there's the logic behind my decision to simply deny Him (or whatever it is that happened between "God" and I last weeekend); I have not felt His presence, felt the need to go to Scripture, to pray, to confess, to be Christian in any way, to do anything that would have me pursue Him. I keep having athiestic thoughts, thinking of all the evidence in my life stacked up against His existence, and I really want to embrace the idea and be done with it. Make a stinking decision already, you know? Love Him or hate Him. Embrace Him or deny Him. But I began reading this magazine called "Y-Origins" put out by, who else, Campus Crusade for Christ, given to me by a dear friend when I was having the same issues my senior year in college. It's a project that was initiated by CCC founder Bill Bright, and it's basically a logical look into the justification for a designer. Yes, it's full of very convincing information. Yes, the rational side of my brain went ahead and accepted the existence of some Creator after reading through the articles again. But no, my spirituality hasn't grown past that. Apart from the incredibly convincing magazine (it's all about Einstein's String Theory, who knew?) I just don't see or feel or experience His presence when I look outside at the beautiful mossy trees, or survey my life, or look out on the utter destruction humanity's laid across its home planet. Nothing apart from the logical arguments presented in the magazine has convinced me there's a Creator, let alone that He loves me, that He pursues me with His love, that He gave and gave and gave so that I might live and give Him glory or even want to give Him glory.

So as far as the religious side of things, I'm still lost. My mind understands that God is present but that's it... Christianity is still a big question mark. It's becoming a hard pill to swallow. I keep zeroing in on all these fallen people trying to come off as perfect Christians, or focusing in on every fault of my Christian friends and tallying them. It's hard not to be discouraged looking at Christianity, and who can blame me? I don't see many people out there proclaiming their depravity, or confessing their sins, or living up to standards other than worldly ones, or reaching out to anyone past themselves and their friends.

All this aside, the emptiness I began to feel a few days ago is still here. I still feel purposeless without my job to keep me busy. I remember my life in Daytona and how purpose driven I was, to follow Christ and further His Kingdom and give Him all the glory and more. I'd love to have that back, that sense of purpose. Knowing that there's more to my life than bloggging on here or spending my hours at the aquarium, pleasing tons of people. But it's not as easy as it was back then, when living with fifty other followers, all with the same God-glorifying mission, made the Gospel some sugar-coated candy that was simple to swallow and share too... heck when everyone else around you is doing it, why should it be hard for you? But Christianity is so much harder nowadays without the support, and I can't bring myself to fall on my knees and bare my life - bruises and shame and all - in front of "God" and beg for forgiveness. I just can't, when I don't even know if I can swallow Christianity anymore - when I'm merely at the point of understanding a Creator's presence solely in the logical, left side of my mind.

But I can't deny the empty I feel, or the lack of purpose. I just can't bring myself to the point where I can understand where to even begin finding that ultimate, or holy, purpose again. Here's to hoping.

P.S. I'm sorry for sounding so depressing, it's the middle of the night and I'm listening to a lot of Muse lately.