I just feel like bloggin'.

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, or months...) where you have a million great ideas, musings, opinions, interesting things to ponder, but never quite figure out how to word it all, let alone eloquently? Or how to join all of those things together in a meaningful, witty and insightful way? Isn't it frustrating? It's as if I have the secret answer to a huge problem that I want to share with the world, but I can't figure out how to communicate it or express myself in an understandable way.

Today is that day. I think that's why I adore Twitter so much. The smallest thought, idea or lyric that pops into my head already has a tidy niche waiting for it. Here's some pretty random things I've been pondering today:

I realized today how seriously a mess I get when I don't make time for Jesus.

I really hate when people drag their feet.

I'm happier and more joyful than ever. I'm loving my friendships and learning to stop living for others instead for Jesus and His good purposes.

I was waiting for the shower in our apartment to open and decided to take a look at some old blogs of mine. I had a Xanga for the first two years of college and MAN were things different. My attitude, the things I said, the words I used, my priorities. I can see a misty sadness lining most of my entries, a sense of un-fulfillment lingering after I signed off on each post. It was ridiculous how Christian I thought I was, how much I remarked on the "blossoming of me and God's relationship" and how much I idolized certain people in my life as well as Campus Crusade. I put a lot of things on a pedestal and I had some unhealthy addictions and priorities.

My life's path has been somewhat reversed. By that I mean compared to most believers I know. I was a huge wreck before the explosion on my heart and life two years ago, and I see that more and more the further in Christ I grow. Socially I was a mess, my character left a lot to be desired, I was always unsure, unconfident, confused, always putting myself down, yearning for acceptance and beauty, and I placed all the blame for these things on everyone and everything else. I didn't really have an identity and I didn't identify with anything at all. My relationships in retrospect weren't genuine and many were destructive... enter Jesus. BAM, I'm hit with a new spirituality, encountering a loving and living God so intimately I don't know where I end and He begins. My spiritual life grows in the Lord, I begin discerning the Word and experiencing Truth for the first time, and my quiet times flourished. But all other parts of my life remained stagnant, and I quickly realized the danger in separating my life into different parts and only allowing God to impact that spiritual part. And now, so long after finally accepting Jesus on His terms, I am coming to experience a Christian LIFE such that God and my spirituality and quiet times permeate all aspects of my life. Christianity to me now is a way of life - THE way of life - rather than a warm and fuzzy emboldening of my spirituality. Socially I've seen myself improve exponentially, especially in this last semester. Relationships, community, having natural friendships. That's something I never really had before. I'm beginning to understand and embrace confidence, joy, purpose... but the big difference here is that it's not confidence in me, but Something higher. God became and continues to be my lifeline, the bolstering force that gives me joy and purpose in life. Right now I'm noticing His influence in my social life and my community. These things are all more natural to me than they ever were. Things like enjoying friendships, being myself around people without freaking out or worrying to the nth degree about what they're thinking. This might not sound like a big deal, but to my understanding most people - at least the people I know - come into their own or gather some sense of self as an adolescent. But for me, understanding myself or having any self worth hasn't come until now, a soon-to-be college graduate. I feel like a late bloomer. But God's timing is and always will be... perfect.

I don't know how much of that made sense, but it makes perfect sense to me and it's definitely one of those "Aha!" things I've been musing over.

Awesomeness.

Twilight phenomenon, over.

I finally ended my ridiculous, obsessive relationship with the Twilight series around eleven o' clock Sunday night. Actually, the audio version I stole off of Limewire didn't quite finish for some reason so instead I found a synopsis of the ending online. Technically this means I didn't finish reading the series, but I got the general idea. The funny thing is, while I'm glad it's over and I can continue with my life now, I wasn't totally satisfied.

But should I be surprised?

Dang Stephenie Meyer.

Flipping Twilight!

Ugh. I'm officially, minorly infatuated with the whole series, and until I finish the saga I can't concentrate or focus on anything else. It's frustrating. I have to wrench myself from my earphones kind of painfully when I realize, say, I have to go to class or when I realize my senior sem is gathering dust. I'm pretty ashamed I've been sucked into the entire frenzy. The crazy thing is that the minute I pull myself from it, I'm totally at ease and I start wondering why I'm so obsessed with it in the first place. It's an indulgent story about a fantasy romance some girl could have dreamed up in middle school.

Ohhhhh I can't wait till I'm done and I can start living my life again. I'm hoping to finish the last book this weekend.

Favorites...

My favorite time at the moment is in the mornings. When I just wake up plus the hour or two that follows before I leave my home and things really get going... things have been hectic for me lately which probably seems odd from an outsider's perspective because I've never had a lighter course load. I really only have one class with a lecture component, the rest are unstructured without much curriculum like my senior seminar, my research course and my dance classes. Spiritually I'm alright - I've been escaping into the Twilight saga a lot lately and I know ideally God would want to capture my attention as much - and I think my complacency is stemming from a feeling that maintaining my fellowship with Him would mean a lot more effort and stress than I'm willing to give.

So that's why mornings are my favorite. Time spent is controlled by me, and I can take my time and structure it however I want as long as I'm dressed and out the door before class starts. Once I'm out, waiting for the shuttle to take me to campus, school runs my life. And that's stressful.

I always immediately make coffee in the mornings and check iGoogle and my email while I let the comfort seep in. Coffee and news in the morning are one of my favorite things. Time to time I'll get into the Word and have my quiet time with the Lord then... but not always. I'm reminded of what it means to make something my priority. Am I making God my priority? No. It's difficult. But is that much of an excuse? So what if senior seminar is making me insane, so what if graduation is looming like an ominous storm cloud, so what if I have no flipping idea what I'm doing with my life in just five weeks? Is God not mightier, more powerful, more good and so much more just? How much more than any earthly thing is God worth all my love and time? I'm ashamed that I let these trivial things rule my life and emotions when earth is not even my home. I adore this song called "Lead Me to the Cross" by Hillsong - actually I've played it at least a hundred times in the past week alone so I'm sure to be sick of it soon, but so far God's impact through it is still strong. It goes:

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

It's simple, full of awe and worship and reflecting our deprivation amidst the blazing cross of Christ. I looooooove the reminder that I belong to Him.

In other news, UNC won the NCAA title last night against Michigan. The air after the win here was palpable and full of excitement, and I saw friends of mine cruising through campus, screaming at the top of their lungs, adorned in Carolina blue. The happiness was infectious. State pride is one of my favorite things about being here. Now that I'm graduating, I'm more happy to be living in ACC country than anywhere else, more proud to be a Tarheel fan and a resident of this truly amazing place than ever. I really don't want to live anywhere else. At least after this summer, since I've decided to take my sister up on her offer to live with her in South Carolina for a couple months while I figure things out. Teaching? Seminary? Both are awesome options but I've stopped myself from pursuing them whole-heartedly because neither of them are what I really desire to do. I want to be working with Crusade, I want to be settled here doing an internship surrounded by the family I've developed over the past four years, I want to be in East Asia, I want my original plans to work out. But God's timing is perfect. I'm still gonna try again because I believe He gave me this desire for East Asia and a heart for college students, so why in the world wouldn't I pursue those things? What I'm struggling with is understanding that a lot of the time, the options aren't always going to appear alongside a huge wave of emotion or inclination or passion. Sometimes God's plans are as simple as Him showing me that there's a need somewhere and me acting faithfully in pursuing everything He puts in my path. I only hope I haven't lead Him to close any doors permanently in my life because of my lack of interest in so many options He's placed before me.

Well, whatever is going on in my life right now or tomorrow, I can rest in my solitary plea for God to lead me to His cross, I can rest in the fact that my occupation, no matter what, is always going to be a lover of God and a lover of people.