Needing to take steps back.

I realized last night after work - and this morning after some very innapropriate dreams - that I'm pursuing some unrighteous things. I need to take some steps back. For instance, I'm pretty sure I have fluttery feelings for a kid at work. I don't have any conviction about his salvation though, and I know pursuing anything besides light friendship would not be good here.

Then there's the satisfaction I keep trying to find in Christian radio rather than the Word or its preaching. Or Christian community. Of course, I always suspected this part would be hard, staying on track. It really has been, but I'm also learning some things about myself along the way.

This aquarium position is so new to me, but I've handled it well, I think, considering my inexperience...

Anyway maybe right now the issue isn't that I need to pursue my religion more (because that motivation certainly isn't working out here) but that I need to step back and stop chasing after some unrighteous things, things that won't produce any fruitfulness.

Something my friend wrote got me wondering...

...is it possible to be "saved" but not really be a "new creation"?

What if.

Now. What if I do/say/think something and afterwards feel no guilt or shame? Which would otherwise warrant repentance? Does that inherently mean that sin isn't a factor?

What if that action/word/thought used to bring about guilt and repentance? But not anymore? Is it possible to be so far from the Lord and the influence of the Spirit that you don't even feel conviction anymore? Is their Biblical justification for any of this?

Too far-fetched or does this hit close to home?

Parable of the Prodigal Son

"I have recklessly forgotten Your glory, O Father;
And among sinners I have scattered the riches which You gave to me.
And now I cry to You as the Prodigal:
I have sinned before You, O merciful Father;
Receive me as a penitent and make me as one of Your hired servants."
Luke 15

 

I got a lovely new job at Ripley's Aquarium, but got a not so lovely new uniform. They're terrible, but apparently I'm the only new girl who found a pair of shorts that fit or that "looked nice". It's a big source of pride for me.

Good golly I hate packing!

For reeeeealz

I hate it so much. There's something about it that makes me tense. I didn't get my momma's packing genes, so what promises to be a few hours turns into DAYS of agonizing over what I need and don't need, feeling like I have way too much crap, but then feeling like I can't give anything away, either.

I've tossed a lot of things that previously I had issues with giving up, old things. I really don't have a problem anymore with throwing away things from my past life before Jesus... actually I prefer it that way. The littlest things get me to dwell on my past life and habits, and dwelling ain't no good, so there ya go. That must be why I even enjoy throwing out old things now. Maybe that's a signal of weakness? I don't know. I more see it that if something bums me out and I can get rid of it, why not? So I've been packing and organizing, watching Frasier, which I have grown to love this semester. I crack up laughing watching it. Pretty sure that makes me certifiably an old geezer.

Now it's thunderstorming :) :)

I love listening to the rain, especially loud rain that is gives big fat droplets and smacks on the pavement. The best kind! One day I'll own a rocking chair and porch just for this.

Also I'm graduating in like, five days?!?! I've yet to feel anything about it, no sadness, no nostalgia, and I'm worried. My friends say that's good to be detached, it makes it less painful when I finally do leave. But to me it just means that it'll hit twenty times harder in the middle of the summer. Which I do not want, so here's to hoping I go through all the emotions sometime this week before commencement on Saturday. My family's coming and I can't wait! Mostly because I know I'll get most of my packing done with my sisters to help. Love them.

I've been staying up crazy late these past couple days, maybe because I want to prolong the time I'm here? Because subconsciously I know I really will miss college? Definitely the comfort it brings, and the friends I've made, but I really believe I meant it last week when I said I don't think I'll miss it, on the whole. I didn't miss high school... I won't miss Crusade, I won't miss biology, I won't miss the classes or finals... not that I didn't enjoy college but that I just don't feel that I'll be really emotional when I think about the past four years. I think tomorrow or later this week when it's not 2 am, I'll write a nice, long reflective blog about my life in college and the crazy times it's been, or how much I've changed, or how good God's been through it all now that I have time to just stand back and take stock of my life. But right now, it's 2 am and I'm sleepy...