Some characteristics.

I can tell this entry will be a doozy but there's a ton on my heart, so bear with me...

I'm not the most put-together, classy or creative person.

Secretly I long to be that Interior Design major, who's been picking out darling clothing since 2nd grade, with an eye for design and good colors, who's generally more imaginative when it comes to decorating or styling or putting together poster presentations.

I think a lot of my adolescent and even college-age struggles come from my unsatisfaction with my character and how I am made. Yet... these past couple months as I've understood my character at new depths, I'm starting to experience satisfaction. I love 'learning' that I am type B, that I am laid back, that there's a reason I've never liked wearing watches, or that I love waiting until the last minute to finish tasks. Better understanding my character affects the way I act in some beneficial ways.

With my STINT application, I've put it off and put it off. There's nothing more natural to me than not finishing that thing until the day before it's is absolutely needed on March 2nd. I also don't worry - basically ever. There are days here and there when I panic a little bit about legit being in the real world but generally I'm good at not worrying about much.

It's a blessing in a chaotic world. Now - not to say that these characteristics are perfect, just that they are me and right now I'm enjoying understanding them better, even embracing them a little. I have a long way to go, all the way into eternity, for complete perfection. I don't believe God wants be to be so immersed in a worry-free attitude that I develop lazy tendencies or always wait until the last minute, because too much type B is dangerous. But God is showing me that there is a way to glorify Him by accepting them as unique - breaking the mold if you will - before I desire to improve upon them with Christ as my ideal.

Like right after I became Christian, I totally hated my character. I felt like I was too much like my old self in little character habits and tendencies that weren't necessarily sinful, but I was so enraptured by the concept of "new life" that I began to hate myself and my personality and I constantly desired change in my life, all the way down to my anti-watch attitude and introvertedness. Now - almost a couple years later - I'm seeing that 'death to better - long live new' doesn't necessarily mean changing the way you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, or how you approach chemisty problem sets. It an issue of righteousness and how I can glorify God in the characther He gave me to begin with.

I'm unique. I love wearing bright colors. I love meeting new people. I'd much rather share the Gospel than build somone else up in their faith. I have an issue with inwardly showing grace to others. I'm still working on patience. I love variety and prompting change in my life. I rearrange my room and bathroom at least every other week. Post-its are my organizational life-line and probably wouldn't get anything done if I didn't tell myself to do it on a Post-it. I've always done my best work under pressure which leads me to wait until the last minute for most things. I barely plan. I'm more detail oriented than focused on the big picture. I don't worry. I adjust to change pretty easily. I can't remember the last thing I got uptight about. I'd rather let things slide than risk confrontation. I'll do the dishes and wipe off the counters because I love doing those things. I love playing house, playing mom and taking care. My mind is the most vulnerable. I can't be left alone with my own thoughts or I'll probably get sink into depression or pride or impurity. I always have music or TV on when I'm alone. I love wearing what's most comfortable and that definitely means sacrificing cuteness or style. Shopping intimidates me bigtime and so does theology. My toughest sin this year has been judgement.

So a lot of those things aren't really issues of righteousness or areas that I need to bug out about when it comes to putting on Christ or inheriting new life. Others are less pretty traits that obviously don't reflect fruits of the spirit. There's a lot of work there but I can thankfully say I'm not in a place anymore where I'm obsessed with changing everything about myself overnight... because that, my friends, is not how Jesus works nor is that what my Christianity is about. It's not about me! I'm slowly getting that my life is not in fact, all about me, but it's all about Christ. The blazing glory of Christ. Imagine that.

My changing attributes should be secondary and will come after I make Jesus my center and my goal and my love and provision.