When I battle depression (why do we say 'battle' when helplessness is such a big factor...?) I often feel these contradictions, two different view points or desires, tugging on my heart and limbs like some terrible torture conjured up by a Zorro-mastermind (I'm picturing myself, all four limbs tied with ropes to four horses all facing away, waiting for Zorro to pop them on their hind-quarters so that that I go flying in four different directions. Pretty nasty.)
For instance, when I am down I immediately know I should talk to Jesus about it. Yet I don't. Or when it rarely happens, there are groanings to deep and uncomfortable for words. I mumble in my head, doubtful that any of what I'm rambling on about is actually getting to Him, worried that my faith isn't carrying the prayer through, or worse, that the Holy Spirit isn't interceding for me as He should. I doubt my maturity as a Christian, my capabilities, and I begin to wonder what I'm doing wrong. What is there that I'm not getting?
Or... I know I should be talking to friends about it. Hasn't the Lord been graciously teaching me about the importance of vulnerability and sharing burdens over the past year? Yet I don't reach for the telephone or walk down the hall to my friend's room. When I'm depressed I yearn for everything to be exceedingly tidy, yet I get increasingly sloppy the longer I feel that way. I feel that way now. It's definitely prompted by a few things that have popped up in my life this week, some big and some trivial, like walking past a full-length mirror and hating the way my jeans looked. Or suddenly disparaging that my roommates who are all best friends don't like me and that we'll never really get along. Sometimes, I wonder if these are lies from satan or if I'm just getting a reality check and being depressed because things aren't the way I want them to be.
We chalk way too much up to satan, don't we?
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