The difficulty of friendship.

There is a reason I didn't make "difficulty" plural - mostly to emphasize my all around, deep-seated frustration and depression regarding the issue of friendship.  What I am frustrated about is that it seems ever since that sparkling moment of salvation, I have struggled intensely to maintain solid friendships.  I am one of those personalities that typically engages about a hundred friends a semester, which has a ton to do with my people-pleasing persona.  I understand that.  But through my prayers, my listening, my desire and painful yearning to have solid friends who adhere to the two way road of relationships, I have been disappointed countless times!  So, God, in my 24,765th prayer about this, 

what is the deal?

This past week I was for the millionth time blatantly ignored by a friend.  A girl I have been on and off with for years, my first and lasting Christian friend, has basically made ridiculous efforts to ignore me, hurt me and push me away since that moment of salvation.  Which is the biggest confusion - how could that be?  We were better friends when I wasn't Christian.  There's a constant excuse of business when I do get a hold of her - but how busy could you possibly be?  I would make time for her because I cherish her and her friendship.  Or I did.  I don't know anymore.  So many times I have let go of her and thrown up my hands to God's sovereignty.  Which leads me to love her despite my hurt feelings, I learn to stop placing my expectations on her and all is well for a short time, until my wall posts, messages, voice mails, letters and texts are completely ignored while facebook reveals the hundreds of photos she just posted of her and her friends having a gay old time.  How do I take all this with a grain of salt?  I want to yell at her and tell her how much she has hurt me and tell her how bewildered I am about all of it.  What could I have possibly done to prompt this?  Do you realize how horrible and inadequate Satan makes me feel just because you refuse to ever talk to me anymore?  Like I'm a burden to you, or too annoying to talk to or be around?  I'm exhausted from continuing this one-way friendship with you.   All I want is for you to acknowledge that I exist and that I have been trying to talk to you all year and yes, from you and from God I really just want an explanation.  I'm tired of thinking that this burden has been given to God, that I have truly let him intervene, only to have these upset feelings resurface again, where they have no business being.  At this point, I don't even care if you call me back and carry a conversation about how the both of us adore Jimmy Stewart - I just want you to respond to my hello.  A simple hello back would suffice, but you can't even muster that.  How can you not see how your blatant refusal to do simply that has affected me?

And it isn't just her, it's others.  No Christmas cards this year, no goodbye hugs before winter break, too many people not responding to my calls.  During this finals week, I have been shut down by friends who at this point I've come to expect a negative response from.  How crappy is that?  Where I don't even dial their numbers anymore because I know the response will be 'no' or 'sorry, I have plans for the rest of the week with my other friends'.  This bitter feeling in my soul won't go away.  I want to cling to Christ as my only and dearest friend, but I can't help but deeply desire friendship and fellowship that isn't an uphill battle all the time.  I want someone to actually call me because they want to know how I am, ask me how that crazy Plant Physiology exam went yesterday, or because they want to make plans with me.  How many times has that happened this year?  Zero.  What is it about me that turns people away?  Am I not indwelled with the Holy Spirit?  Isn't there nothing more attractive than Him?  I feel rejected.  I keep wondering if this is all God's perfect design to ween me off worldly friendships and dependencies so that I might learn to turn to God instead of friends with all my life for the rest of eternity.  But I can't shake the hurt I'm experiencing from all this.  This hurts, God.  You know my deal with depression and yet, could you have ordained this?  

It hurts and hurts and hurts.  How can this be your perfect plan?  This is the difficulty of friendship.  To glorify God by accepting his ordinance that I be friendless at moment, or to keep on with this fleshly desire for friendship?

- Alicia