Bah...

Usually I might use this word in a 'whatev' fashion; however right now I'm using it in more of a 'bah humbug' sort of way. As in bah, I'm angry, bah, I'm frustrated, bah, why isn't my rice done cooking yet (seriously, it's been cooking for well over twenty minutes.)

Let me finish making dinner so that nothing bursts into flames while I'm gone from the stove, and then I'll explain...

Back. I made stir-fry with my favorites, red onions and bell peppers. And a little Tamari soy sauce to top it off. Maybe I'll put a wok on my Christmas list this year. Anyway, delicious Asian food aside, I'm tiiiiiired. Tired of this and that. Tired of friendships not working out, of being misunderstood, of being embarassed by my friends, of not being respected even with all my leadership positions, of having a low self-image everytime I see the girls I go to school with, who are beautiful, with not much effort. And on it goes. Today I changed my outfit three times. First for a practical reason - because it was stinkin hot outside and so I switched from jeans to shorts and a t-shirt. And then, because I felt I wasn't wearing enough color, and what I was wearing was pretty drab. I feel like Jesus is shaking His head at me as I despair about how I look before I leave my apartment in the mornings. I feel like the Father is twiddling his great beard as He rolls His eyes at me worrying about the superficial to the point that it effects my whole mood...

Then, there's friendships. You think you are good friends with someone, and then they make it clear that they don't feel the same, through their actions or words, or lack thereof. I see athiests and agnostics around me have fulfilling friendships and yet, I struggle. By this I mean that there is really no one on this campus that I feel I can go to anytime, talk to them about anything, be vulnerable with, have fun with and relate to. I would really like someone to pursue a friendship with me. I've always felt my friendships were one sided, and when I do get a phone call from a friend just to say hello, it's a surprise and I'm left not really knowing how to respond. Does anyone else feel this way? How hard should it be to just have friends? Shouldn't there just be people you get along with and have things in common with? The college friendships I've known here, the ones that surround me, have always been a strange fantasy to me. I'm working on it, and I pray about this almost every day, praying that God would establish real fellowship in my life, and it's growing. But it still hurts to always be the one that calls. Or it hurts to not have anyone plan anything for your 21st, or to call saying happy birthday, or to give you a card. It hurts to feel like a second thought or last resort. Today I walked into the student center for a Campus Activities Team meeting and saw my friend ____ and of course I waved and smiled; what do I get? He stares at me and stares at me the entire time I'm walking by, even when I awkwardly laugh and ask him to stop as he's pretty much creeping me out. WITH OTHER PEOPLE THERE. Who I know. And he stared and stared. And it wasn't until I got really upset and walked away that he burst out laughing and said, "Hey." He does this constantly. Everytime I roll my eyes and tell him that it annoys me, and he keeps doing it. The worst is that it's usually in front of our friends. How do I respond to that? I barely see you and instead of a hey, how's it goin, I get an awkward, prolonged stare. To be funny. But it really isn't.

I admit that I am envious of some of my friends. I am envious of my friends that have their parents take care of everything for them. I am envious of my friends who come from solid Christian homes with siblings who are more like best friends, who have a support system on call, or even have solid Chrisitian families that are only an hour or so away. It's that easy. I wish I could call my mom after a tough day, dealing with this or that spiritual roadblock, and talk to her about my issues and have her speak the Truth to me. Other than my little sister who I witnessed come to Christ last year, my family doesn't know the Lord and they don't love Him in a personal way. Trying to talk to my mom about my issues with vulnerability or my quiet times is like a farmer asking advice about pigs from a runway model. It doesn't make sense. I have tried and it's like talking to a wall, where they just nod their head and say, "Uh huh," and the rest is silent. I hate not being able to be vulnerable even with my parents! I just wish they knew how much I love the Lord. And I wish they loved Him as much and even more than I do. This combined with my friendship issues leaves me feeling alone and unloved; and yet, this week I was overwhelmingly reminded that I am loved, more than any human could ever comprehend... I am loved by the King. I just wish that were enough for my soul. To say, Your love is enough, O Lord... when inside I am yearning for basic friendship.

I don't know, maybe I am overreacting. I tend to do that sometimes. After I vent I ask for God's perspective on things and everything always seems less horrible. I think that God is telling me to continue in my pursuits of Him even with the struggles, with the envy in my heart and continue to confess my guilt to Him and continue to be bathed in His forgiveness and grace. His grace is enough.

- Alicia