Ch' Ch' Ch' Changes.

I am experiencing a random, oversized growth spurt.  Mentally.  I'm growing up in a sense.  Head knowledge is becoming heart knowledge.  

Maybe it isn't so random after all, but this is definitely abrupt and very appreciated.  Let me explain a lil'.

So this is my senior year and of course with it there are unwelcome days of blatant panic, that bloated feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to sink like a fat rhino but then your head is light and floaty and drifty.  It's like gravity is working in opposite directions in the place where soul meets body.  You are spouting out things to people that make sense in your head but deep down, you have no idea what they mean or why you say them.  Maybe just to keep up a facade of normalcy... anyway, I have feel like since this year began I never really got a grip on reality.  I couldn't grasp the fact that this is my last year in college and soon, the real world will begin.  I began imagining horrific things when I wasn't consumed with Plant Physiology lab reports, and when I was consumed with classes I spouted out crap that shrouded all my uncertainty and horrific imaginings of the future with pretty little pictures and far-off possibilities. It was terrible (but subconscious, maybe).

Yesterday I stopped being scared about the future and those rhino-y feelings left of their own accord, with no explanation.  I stopped spouting out random crap about my future options and have really begun to look at the next 5 months as reality that I must be ready for or else be swept off my feet (and not in a good way).  Things just kind of clicked for me.  I'm starting to look very seriously at the last semester of college and my future prospects.  My whimsical desire to flee to Philadelphia for a ministry position seems more impractical than it did months ago and a little more silly.  In contrast I'm getting more and more excited about my possible future with Campus Crusade.  True I'm still mildly terrified about some things, like raising support for my salary, getting my first place, my first car, credit card, etc.  But God will help me deal with those hurdles when the time comes, I'm sure.

I definitely give credit to God for this one.  I don't remember what I was doing or looking at but this desire to really look at my life in all seriousness and truly assess this transition stage simply erupted within me and now, all I want to do is thank my parents for helping me through college and get started on a ton of interviews, scope out the neighborhoods and churches and make a down payment on a home or car.  

Yay for random growth spurts!

- Alicia