For instance, I know that my parent's aren't pursuing Christ in their lives. I know that my mom is basically a social Christian and my dad is dragged to church for Christmas and Easter... it's not guessing about their salvation at this point, I have seen their actions and I couldn't be more certain about their lack of true love for God. Perhaps because I see this in them I have jumped ahead of the gun in assuming they will never understand anything I bring to them of spiritual merit. Of course I have prayed about their salvation, prayed and hoped that they would understand my desire to go into full time ministry, hoped they would have compassion for the fact that I can't see myself doing anything else after college. It seems most times that I have shared the gospel they have recoiled. They didn't understand when I told them this past summer in Philly. I just want them to see God as I see Him, lovely and saving and glorious and compassionate and full of desires to see Himself known in the world. But it seems that merely wanting to see my parents saved isn't enough. I wonder if I only want them saved for selfish reasons. So that maybe they would understand me more, understand my actions and words and decisions as a Christian and not just as a secular human being...? I wonder about these things sometimes.
Lately I've felt pressured from my family to make some concrete decisions about my life. Friday night I was eating dinner with my friend and I suddenly spurted out, "I want to join staff with Crusade!" It came from no where, and basically was spurred by some emotional moment when I felt particularly inclined to Crusade. It happens, on and off all year. But I was vocal about it this time, and doing that somehow made things concrete in my mind. I didn't really know if that's where God wanted me. If that's where He wants me. But I wanted to make a decision and have something concrete to give my parents. I guess, subconsciously, I thought telling them something solid would make them happy, it might ease their mind and ease tensions between us...
...and that was the last thing that happened. I called my dad, joyful to tell him the good news that I had decided what to do with my life, and it didn't receive well. It was barely received. My dad was left speechless, and when I asked what was wrong, he voiced a ton of suspicions. He didn't feel like this was a "real" job, whatever that means. He hated the fact that I was raising support for my ministry with Crusade, basically asking others for money. He felt like I was unprepared, without a back up plan. Of course I didn't have all the answers then, I just wanted this to be a happy moment between us, I just wanted him to be happy that at last I had picked out something for me to do after graduation. But no... it helped that he said all these things and then said reluctantly, "Well Alicia... this is your life and your own decisions..." and barely kept in a sigh. Not.
This is so frustrating. I JUST WANT MY PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND. Why can't they be like other parents? There are countless people on staff with Crusade who have parents that are supportive. Who are seeking God and are actually excited that their sons and daughters are going into ministry and the mission's field. But no, not mine. Everything must be difficult with them. They don't understand the transformation I had last summer. They don't understand! They are not supportive of me, and never seem to be satisfied with any of the decisions I make. This is the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with I think. It creates tensions between us I never thought possible. I feel so far from my entire family right now. I feel eons away. I feel as if I don't even know them and that they don't know me at all, despite me growing up with them my entire life. This sucks, and it hurts, and it's frustrating cause I just want to call my mom and tell her I want to go into college ministry and I want her to be happy that I've made a decision to pursue something I'm passionate about and something I believe God wants me to do. But that is not going to happen. They are skeptical. They think I don't know anything of what I'm doing. I tell them I believe God is leading me in a certain direction and they get quiet or start questioning or doubting and not once have I seen or experienced them happy or excited about my life since Christ came into it.
I hate this, I hate this.
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross...
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