I say that a lot these days... many unexpected things have been gracing my life this semester, and who could have prepared me for it? At this moment I feel lost. Like there is no control in my life. Like the past three years here have cultivated immaturity, laziness, irresponsibility, naïvety... how did I let this happen? I look towards my future after college and see really how unprepared I am. It looms over me like a blackened cloud in one of those roadrunner cartoons. I feel as if the road has been pulled out right underneath my feet just to reveal empty space, no support, no structure. I realized today after reading what felt to me a nasty email my sis wrote, that I have lost control of my life and the feeling is unsettling. But isn't that good? Isn't that what Christians are supposed to do, give control to God? I feel as if that's what I've been working on since I became a follower last summer. Giving my life to Him, letting Him take control. But is there a fine line? Where does discipline come in? I thought that not worrying about my life after college was glorifying to Him. But to my family it means that I'm irresponsible and unprepared to tackle the real world, because I haven't solidified any plans or talked to them really about what I want to do. I mean, they just got news that God is leading me into ministry and that took me about 6 months to let that out of the bag. You can imagine how hard it is to be honest with my family about my desires to go into ministry, go into the missions field, work with the homeless... when I feel that all they are consumed with is success, preparedness, money, being ahead of the game, having plans, being organized. Yes those things have their merits, but where does trusting the Lord come into play?
I'm not having the best day, though hugs are making it better.
- Alicia
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