When you remember the stripes!

I don't really know for sure what this song by The Shins is about, but it's dang good. I think about, of all things, remembering good times from the past few weeks, and good times from last summer in Daytona. I just saw a few pictures of my friends from DBSP '07 during a re-visit these past couple weeks. I've let go for the most part, of little (and big) attachments I had to that place and that experience, so mostly when I saw the photos I just wanted to be there with them. God does a really amazing job at taking our minds off and away from things that hinder our relationship with Him!

I'm wearing a super cute skirt today. I feel like a million bucks.

I'm reading "Don't Waste Your Life" by the petite but always commanding John Piper. In the first chapter he shares a testimony of the strength Christ has been to him, the people in his life that shaped his view on eternity and living your life out to the glory of God. I love how he writes that bringing God glory and enjoying Him - finding complete joy in simply knowing Him - is the same as glorifying Him. The two are one in the same. I know I get confused so easily, still only a year into our relationship, about pursuing happiness and bringing God into the light, and sharing Him with others. Like John Piper I used to think the two weren't interchangeable. That I couldn't be happy and glorify Him at the same time for extended periods. But now I know that in fact, finding joy in Christ, simply knowing Him, and knowing Him personally, experiencing His righteousness, experiencing the presence of a convicting Holy Spirit inside of me, are all examples of bringing Him glory. It's an awesome concept but frustrating when you don't understand it at a heart level.

It's times like these, working late hours at the academy, not being around my friends from home or school, in a loud, boisterous, and sometimes sullen place like Philly, I wish feelings weren't as important to me as they are. Lately I am learning that, no matter what, how I feel, or whichever side of the bed I wake up from, God's Word is still unshakable Truth. My feelings get me to doubt that Truth really easily. Sometimes, when I have a crap day at the Academy, I easily and suddenly turn to worldly pleasures to make me happy again, and how quickly I shuffle away from spending time with Him, being vulnerable with Him and sharing my troubles with Him. And then, like a cycle, I feel guilty about not turning to eternal means of satisfaction and I run further into superficial things that only satisfy me a little bit. Thank God that our relationship is a growing one, and that I've gotten better about this, a lot since I gave my life over to Christ so many months ago. So for that I'm eternally grateful, it's definitely a wonderful and beautiful thing and evidence that God does work from the inside out, evidence that God is even working.

I love the things I am learning up here in this lovely, brotherly city. They're mostly small things. For one, I'm no where near how depressed I was this past school year, or even times in Daytona. Realizing how much I have been pulled out of the chains of depression in the past months was incredible - and I was on my knees in adoration and utter amazement when I came to that realization. Utter amazement. There's no other word for it, when you understand how completely and monumentally God has changed you. Especially if you pray for a particular change... and it hits you suddenly, how flipping different you really are since you allowed Christ to start hammering away at your sinful frame and replacing it with righteousness... I am blown away at that. So, there's that, the fact that God has pulled me out of the deepest parts of depression it's possible for me to bear right now. Magically, all this has happened in the past month or so, really since I came to Philly. I wonder if this is the only reason God called me to Philly this summer; if it is, praise be to God and I will walk away extremely blessed and joyful. I'm also learning to appreciate Him, and me, for who He is and for who I am destined to be. I'm learning to appreciate the simply yet wholly complicated beauty of Christ, and I'm beginning to see His beauty in myself. I'm starting to love my friends more. I'm losing the love I had for myself and pouring it out, instead, on the people around me... slowly. But that's growth, and the patience of God as He waits for me to learn how to give myself entirely to Him and to His control.

I had the poopiest day at work today. Lately I am frustrated with my job, and my mentor who I work with. I could spend the next few sentences listing the things I'm upset about or attributes about my mentor I don't like, but that wouldn't do any good - instead, I am trusting that God's goodness is at work, and remind myself that I am probably being selfish and not dealing with the task I'm being given. It's another struggle to give to the Lord, for Him to work it out to His glory. Which is all that matters, right? I'm reminded a lot lately how important that is - and how unimportant anything and everything else is. Give God the glory. That's what I was created for. It's a cool thing to know in my heart - where my character comes from, like Jesus describes in Matthew 15. What I know at a heart level is what defines me.

Anyway... I wish I could explain here what God has been doing to me and through me here in Philly, but know it's amazing, and good, really good.

I love summers! Especially lazy summers at the lake, even more especially at the Poconos here in PA, where I can kayak till my arms fall off then sit in the shore and read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. Where I can eat Mrs. McGrath's delish, cranberry scones till I'm literally exploding with yumminess, play rummy with my REU friends while the sun sets, go sailing all day and get smacked countless times by the main sail, say hello to all the lake neighbors and have all of them wave cheerily back, and get to know my new friends a little better... this weekend was definitely blessed, a warm retreat from the fast and loud city, where Creation abounded and you could just breathe. It was stellar, and now none of us wants to work this week :)

ps. How many more of my friends are getting engaged this summer?!