I had a rough discipleship today. I have been wondering if d-ship is the last thing I need to sever myself from, since lately I have wondered if I am benefitting from it at all. I usually come away from it more frustrated than before... which is weird because I love talking to my discipler and believe that God has sovereignly placed her in my life. I usually find myself feeling obligated to spill my guts, and talk and talk and talk and usually when I do, things get more confusing and I feel entirely hopeless about my issues and faults and my sinfulness.

Have you ever had moments where you don't want to go to God? or maybe you can't? I can't even muster up the courage to close my eyes and even attempt to pray. I have a feeling that to others, it seems like I have it all together. Sometimes, I wonder if God and I are back where we were, or where I was, last January when I stepped down from Crusade servant team because for the life of me, I had no idea where God and I stood. My feelings about God and my fellowship and relationship with Him are on this ridiculous rollercoaster. Trust me, I don't feel this downtrodden all the time. I want to just stand on His Truth full time and believe that He is good and... I want answers. I was telling my discipler today that what I really wanted was a new law. I wanted rules, I wanted a clear cut route to take and things to perform to make things well in my life. I wonder if being so open with everyone about my issues is really the solution. Is it really the healthiest thing for me? I know that God desires vulnerability with Him and with other Christians - how else can community be fostered? But I wonder if I am too vulnerable, if I am too open, if I am relying on verbal communication too much to be my stronghold and my go-to solution.

I know that I am growing, that this stubbornness is in my nature, and that my life is all about God's Kingdom and not about finding ultimate joy, satisfaction or solutions for myself... but it is so hard for me to grasp that internally, to know that deep down in my soul and let that affect all that I do. I am innately selfish and self-absorbed (the "theme" of d-ship today), after all.

The thing is... there is no clear cut solution, there is no solution but Christ, no problem other than being separated from Him. True there is no formula for me, but I do know some important things from Scripture that God has provided to guide me: daily time in the Word. How can he speak to me otherwise? Don't just read the Bible but dwell on what it says. Seek community with Christians and be in constant prayer. That makes sense to me, but what about now when I am ridiculously turned off by the mere thought of going to God? When I am just plumb tired from trying and trying and still falling short, or frustrated from still having to deal with things I dealt with years ago? What do I do when I am too exhausted by my relationship with Him to even open up His Word?

I don't want to be exhausted though! I don't want to live in sinfulness! I want to have a constant desire to see God glorified and I don't want to deal with my selfishness. But is that desire enough?