Ch' Ch' Ch' Changes.

I am experiencing a random, oversized growth spurt.  Mentally.  I'm growing up in a sense.  Head knowledge is becoming heart knowledge.  

Maybe it isn't so random after all, but this is definitely abrupt and very appreciated.  Let me explain a lil'.

So this is my senior year and of course with it there are unwelcome days of blatant panic, that bloated feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to sink like a fat rhino but then your head is light and floaty and drifty.  It's like gravity is working in opposite directions in the place where soul meets body.  You are spouting out things to people that make sense in your head but deep down, you have no idea what they mean or why you say them.  Maybe just to keep up a facade of normalcy... anyway, I have feel like since this year began I never really got a grip on reality.  I couldn't grasp the fact that this is my last year in college and soon, the real world will begin.  I began imagining horrific things when I wasn't consumed with Plant Physiology lab reports, and when I was consumed with classes I spouted out crap that shrouded all my uncertainty and horrific imaginings of the future with pretty little pictures and far-off possibilities. It was terrible (but subconscious, maybe).

Yesterday I stopped being scared about the future and those rhino-y feelings left of their own accord, with no explanation.  I stopped spouting out random crap about my future options and have really begun to look at the next 5 months as reality that I must be ready for or else be swept off my feet (and not in a good way).  Things just kind of clicked for me.  I'm starting to look very seriously at the last semester of college and my future prospects.  My whimsical desire to flee to Philadelphia for a ministry position seems more impractical than it did months ago and a little more silly.  In contrast I'm getting more and more excited about my possible future with Campus Crusade.  True I'm still mildly terrified about some things, like raising support for my salary, getting my first place, my first car, credit card, etc.  But God will help me deal with those hurdles when the time comes, I'm sure.

I definitely give credit to God for this one.  I don't remember what I was doing or looking at but this desire to really look at my life in all seriousness and truly assess this transition stage simply erupted within me and now, all I want to do is thank my parents for helping me through college and get started on a ton of interviews, scope out the neighborhoods and churches and make a down payment on a home or car.  

Yay for random growth spurts!

- Alicia

The difficulty of friendship.

There is a reason I didn't make "difficulty" plural - mostly to emphasize my all around, deep-seated frustration and depression regarding the issue of friendship.  What I am frustrated about is that it seems ever since that sparkling moment of salvation, I have struggled intensely to maintain solid friendships.  I am one of those personalities that typically engages about a hundred friends a semester, which has a ton to do with my people-pleasing persona.  I understand that.  But through my prayers, my listening, my desire and painful yearning to have solid friends who adhere to the two way road of relationships, I have been disappointed countless times!  So, God, in my 24,765th prayer about this, 

what is the deal?

This past week I was for the millionth time blatantly ignored by a friend.  A girl I have been on and off with for years, my first and lasting Christian friend, has basically made ridiculous efforts to ignore me, hurt me and push me away since that moment of salvation.  Which is the biggest confusion - how could that be?  We were better friends when I wasn't Christian.  There's a constant excuse of business when I do get a hold of her - but how busy could you possibly be?  I would make time for her because I cherish her and her friendship.  Or I did.  I don't know anymore.  So many times I have let go of her and thrown up my hands to God's sovereignty.  Which leads me to love her despite my hurt feelings, I learn to stop placing my expectations on her and all is well for a short time, until my wall posts, messages, voice mails, letters and texts are completely ignored while facebook reveals the hundreds of photos she just posted of her and her friends having a gay old time.  How do I take all this with a grain of salt?  I want to yell at her and tell her how much she has hurt me and tell her how bewildered I am about all of it.  What could I have possibly done to prompt this?  Do you realize how horrible and inadequate Satan makes me feel just because you refuse to ever talk to me anymore?  Like I'm a burden to you, or too annoying to talk to or be around?  I'm exhausted from continuing this one-way friendship with you.   All I want is for you to acknowledge that I exist and that I have been trying to talk to you all year and yes, from you and from God I really just want an explanation.  I'm tired of thinking that this burden has been given to God, that I have truly let him intervene, only to have these upset feelings resurface again, where they have no business being.  At this point, I don't even care if you call me back and carry a conversation about how the both of us adore Jimmy Stewart - I just want you to respond to my hello.  A simple hello back would suffice, but you can't even muster that.  How can you not see how your blatant refusal to do simply that has affected me?

And it isn't just her, it's others.  No Christmas cards this year, no goodbye hugs before winter break, too many people not responding to my calls.  During this finals week, I have been shut down by friends who at this point I've come to expect a negative response from.  How crappy is that?  Where I don't even dial their numbers anymore because I know the response will be 'no' or 'sorry, I have plans for the rest of the week with my other friends'.  This bitter feeling in my soul won't go away.  I want to cling to Christ as my only and dearest friend, but I can't help but deeply desire friendship and fellowship that isn't an uphill battle all the time.  I want someone to actually call me because they want to know how I am, ask me how that crazy Plant Physiology exam went yesterday, or because they want to make plans with me.  How many times has that happened this year?  Zero.  What is it about me that turns people away?  Am I not indwelled with the Holy Spirit?  Isn't there nothing more attractive than Him?  I feel rejected.  I keep wondering if this is all God's perfect design to ween me off worldly friendships and dependencies so that I might learn to turn to God instead of friends with all my life for the rest of eternity.  But I can't shake the hurt I'm experiencing from all this.  This hurts, God.  You know my deal with depression and yet, could you have ordained this?  

It hurts and hurts and hurts.  How can this be your perfect plan?  This is the difficulty of friendship.  To glorify God by accepting his ordinance that I be friendless at moment, or to keep on with this fleshly desire for friendship?

- Alicia

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down!

Isaiah 64 is such a cool chapter.  Sometimes, when I'm having quiet time with God, I will lose myself and forget everything about my life and Scripture will basically light up on the page as I scroll down the verses.  It's equally cool that this happens immediately after some really horrible thoughts pass through my mind.  Lies from Satan, problems I keep dwelling on, lost relationships and hurt feelings I can't stop thinking about (more on the frustrating thing about friendships later) and so on and bleh bleh.  As I opened up my classy duct-taped ESV randomly (a habit I'm not entirely sure is the best way to go for all my quiet times) I came to the 64th chapter from the works of the prophet Isaiah.  Thoughts were flooding my mind that were bitter and resentful and a bit depressing.  And then, I laid my eyes on this treasure:

Oh that you would rend the heavens and come down,

that the mountains might quake at your presence -

as when fire kindles brushwood

and the fire causes water to boil -

to make your name known to your adversaries,

and that the nations might tremble at your presence!

It's sweet and heavenly poetry that Shakespeare couldn't surpass given all the time in the world.  It's a cry of the soul, really the cry of my soul - the Holy Spirit bursting through my less eloquent tendencies to speak on my behalf more perfectly than I possibly could.  Oh that God would come down!  Even though I know that really he isn't just stuck up yonder above the clouds; he is here with me, encompassing every nook and cranny of space around and within me.  But there is this illusion that I'm quick to believe, that my un-satisfaction is attributed to God's far-awayness instead of some disobedience I'm caught up in.  Maybe.  Or I just love the imagery of fully experiencing God around me; his love for me so impounding that he would leave his heavenly dwelling to come down and cause the mountains to quake.  How amazing would it be to see those mountains quake just because he is there!  But it gets better:

Behold, you were angry, and we sinned;

in our sins we have been a long time, and shall we be saved?

We have all become like one who is unclean,

and all our righteousness deeds are like a polluted garment.

We all fade like a leaf,

and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

There is no one who calls upon your name,

who rouses himself to take hold of you;

for you have hidden your face from us,

and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities.

This paints a pretty good picture of the earth before the New Covenant.  Of how my life was before last summer.  All my righteous deeds, without Christ, were like a polluted garment.  And all that is not in God's name fades like a leaf.  Nice!  And here's my favorite part:

But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

There is gloriously blinding light to be found amidst the dark cloud of my sin nature.  There's something about being fashioned by the most perfect potter in the universe that is really comforting.

- Alicia

Tired of school, mucho.

So the past couple weeks I have been in this rut, where I am ridiculously exhausted from school and want out, pronto. I really only have one demanding class but that class is the most demanding, out of this world course of my life... hands down the worst class I've taken. It's called Plant Physiology, and I don't care who you are or where you go to school, DO NOT TAKE THIS CLASS...

That being said, it's really a combo of the two - my being tired of school work in general (I do have nearly 17 years of mindless assignments behind me...) and the fact that this is the hardest class I've taken - that is fueling my laziness and distaste towards this home stretch of assignments before the semester ends.  Satan also knows that laziness has been a weakness of mine since the womb, and he really knows how to magnify some inglorious characteristics of mine, always when the timing is worst.  Like when I have a lot on my plate - especially since I became Christian - I tend to get overwhelmed and drift off to la-la land for hours on end, somehow managing to do absolutely nothing productive in a 48- hour time period.  Not that I'm blaming my behavior on Satan, because I do what I do, but his undoubted influence in my life is hard to ignore.  It's hard to turn straight from Satan and run flat out in the other direction.  Maybe I do muster up the courage to do a "talk to the hand - 'cause the face don't wanna listen" number, but the whole turning and running part is painstakingly slow.  What gives?  

I guess it makes sense to be most vulnerable to Satan when you're overwhelmed.  And I definitely am.  Here's some of the things on my plate right now:

- Papers and projects for Plant Phys and Communications

- My final exams for the above classes and Biochemistry and Global Studies

- The roommate situation (though by God's grace it is getting better)

- Feeling unbearably isolated living off campus

- Raising enough money for Encounter '08

- My future, that's an everyday thing... which ministry? Philly or East Asia?

- My growing and failing friendships

- God and my fellowship with Him

- Getting back into the church atmosphere and finding new community

- ALL of my friends are engaged now, or nearly

- Depression (not nearly as bad as it was - praise God)

- Earning money next semester

- My need for a car sometime in the near future

- My lack of attendance at the gym - am I glorifying God in my body?

- Our apartment needs a vaccuum

- Etc.

Phew-ee.  I wouldn't want to be me right about now.

I guess the best thing to do is just to buckle down and do what I need to do despite my severe un-motivation and lack of desire to do anything school related.  I want to glorify God through my studies, you know?

Blessings.

I loathe that sin is a part of me. My sinfulness is taken care of but the act of sinning... not so much. I just did something I knew I shouldn't have but my sinful nature got the best of me & I did it anyway.

Afterwards though, I got a huge perspective, one of those that smack you in the face so hard you kind of stare, open-mouthed, at some spot on the wall, just marveling. I realized that I am so blessed. So, so blessed. I'm a biology major & know the worst that can happen to a person, & yes I have ailments but compared to someone with, say, no fingers, I am incredibly blessed. Don't ask why I thought of the blessing of intact limbs, I don't know why... but with working hands I can do so many more sinful things. So there's the rub. I have these wonderful digits, not severely harmed & totally in working order, yet with this blessing comes a price - more temptation and more capable of a multitude of sinful actions. Not that this takes the blame of my actions off of me at all, but still. So I have these immense blessings atop flexible fingers and yet, I sin & sin & sin.

It stinks. But I'm glad God gave me this perspective today, & I hope it will have a lasting impact the next time a sinful thought crosses my mind.

Okay so here is a song that I talked about in discipleship today and felt like the lyrics are more potent than ever, and I really understand what is being said here and I understand the sentiment entirely... it's called "A New Law" by Derek Webb.

Don’t teach me about politics and government
Just tell me who to vote for
Don’t teach me about truth and beauty
Just label my music

Don’t teach me how to live like a free man
Just give me a new law

I don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
So just bring it down from the mountain to me

I want a new law
I want a new law
Gimme that new law

Don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
I prefer a shot of grape juice

Don’t teach me about loving my enemies

Don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
Just give me a new law

What’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
For one you can that cannot get you anything
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid...

I had a rough discipleship today. I have been wondering if d-ship is the last thing I need to sever myself from, since lately I have wondered if I am benefitting from it at all. I usually come away from it more frustrated than before... which is weird because I love talking to my discipler and believe that God has sovereignly placed her in my life. I usually find myself feeling obligated to spill my guts, and talk and talk and talk and usually when I do, things get more confusing and I feel entirely hopeless about my issues and faults and my sinfulness.

Have you ever had moments where you don't want to go to God? or maybe you can't? I can't even muster up the courage to close my eyes and even attempt to pray. I have a feeling that to others, it seems like I have it all together. Sometimes, I wonder if God and I are back where we were, or where I was, last January when I stepped down from Crusade servant team because for the life of me, I had no idea where God and I stood. My feelings about God and my fellowship and relationship with Him are on this ridiculous rollercoaster. Trust me, I don't feel this downtrodden all the time. I want to just stand on His Truth full time and believe that He is good and... I want answers. I was telling my discipler today that what I really wanted was a new law. I wanted rules, I wanted a clear cut route to take and things to perform to make things well in my life. I wonder if being so open with everyone about my issues is really the solution. Is it really the healthiest thing for me? I know that God desires vulnerability with Him and with other Christians - how else can community be fostered? But I wonder if I am too vulnerable, if I am too open, if I am relying on verbal communication too much to be my stronghold and my go-to solution.

I know that I am growing, that this stubbornness is in my nature, and that my life is all about God's Kingdom and not about finding ultimate joy, satisfaction or solutions for myself... but it is so hard for me to grasp that internally, to know that deep down in my soul and let that affect all that I do. I am innately selfish and self-absorbed (the "theme" of d-ship today), after all.

The thing is... there is no clear cut solution, there is no solution but Christ, no problem other than being separated from Him. True there is no formula for me, but I do know some important things from Scripture that God has provided to guide me: daily time in the Word. How can he speak to me otherwise? Don't just read the Bible but dwell on what it says. Seek community with Christians and be in constant prayer. That makes sense to me, but what about now when I am ridiculously turned off by the mere thought of going to God? When I am just plumb tired from trying and trying and still falling short, or frustrated from still having to deal with things I dealt with years ago? What do I do when I am too exhausted by my relationship with Him to even open up His Word?

I don't want to be exhausted though! I don't want to live in sinfulness! I want to have a constant desire to see God glorified and I don't want to deal with my selfishness. But is that desire enough?