Life feels absolutely crazy right now.

Last night, I experienced something demonic in my room and it scared me so much that I burst into tears and ran outside. I feel like all parts of my life are falling apart, hanging by threads and honestly I've never been so lost before. Satan keeps reminding me of all the failures in my life, parts that aren't working out, stupid decisions I make, sinfulness that I can't seem to get rid of. You know when you are trying to rid yourself of a particular sin, it consumes your life and rules over every action you make? Like I can't do anything normal because my pride is so overwhelming in the mornings. That kind of thing. I am also out of medication and have been for about a week. It's hard to get to the pharmacy without a car.





Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.

The cry of my heart right now.

Oh lead me, lead me to the cross!

I just realized that I completely made up crap about my future plans just to make my parents happy.  To fulfill some vision they have of me of having a steady job and income and being responsible and all the wonderful things a good daughter should be... I feel like I have a really skewed view of how my parent's see me.  Sometimes though, I feel like I hit the nail right on the head.  

For instance, I know that my parent's aren't pursuing Christ in their lives.  I know that my mom is basically a social Christian and my dad is dragged to church for Christmas and Easter... it's not guessing about their salvation at this point, I have seen their actions and I couldn't be more certain about their lack of true love for God.  Perhaps because I see this in them I have jumped ahead of the gun in assuming they will never understand anything I bring to them of spiritual merit.  Of course I have prayed about their salvation, prayed and hoped that they would understand my desire to go into full time ministry, hoped they would have compassion for the fact that I can't see myself doing anything else after college.  It seems most times that I have shared the gospel they have recoiled.  They didn't understand when I told them this past summer in Philly.  I just want them to see God as I see Him, lovely and saving and glorious and compassionate and full of desires to see Himself known in the world.  But it seems that merely wanting to see my parents saved isn't enough.  I wonder if I only want them saved for selfish reasons.  So that maybe they would understand me more, understand my actions and words and decisions as a Christian and not just as a secular human being...?  I wonder about these things sometimes.

Lately I've felt pressured from my family to make some concrete decisions about my life.  Friday night I was eating dinner with my friend and I suddenly spurted out, "I want to join staff with Crusade!"  It came from no where, and basically was spurred by some emotional moment when I felt particularly inclined to Crusade.  It happens, on and off all year.  But I was vocal about it this time, and doing that somehow made things concrete in my mind.  I didn't really know if that's where God wanted me.  If that's where He wants me.  But I wanted to make a decision and have something concrete to give my parents.  I guess, subconsciously, I thought telling them something solid would make them happy, it might ease their mind and ease tensions between us...

...and that was the last thing that happened.  I called my dad, joyful to tell him the good news that I had decided what to do with my life, and it didn't receive well.  It was barely received.  My dad was left speechless, and when I asked what was wrong, he voiced a ton of suspicions.  He didn't feel like this was a "real" job, whatever that means.  He hated the fact that I was raising support for my ministry with Crusade, basically asking others for money. He felt like I was unprepared, without a back up plan.  Of course I didn't have all the answers then, I just wanted this to be a happy moment between us, I just wanted him to be happy that at last I had picked out something for me to do after graduation.  But no... it helped that he said all these things and then said reluctantly, "Well Alicia... this is your life and your own decisions..." and barely kept in a sigh.  Not.

This is so frustrating.  I JUST WANT MY PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND.  Why can't they be like other parents?  There are countless people on staff with Crusade who have parents that are supportive.  Who are seeking God and are actually excited that their sons and daughters are going into ministry and the mission's field.  But no, not mine.  Everything must be difficult with them.  They don't understand the transformation I had last summer.  They don't understand!  They are not supportive of me, and never seem to be satisfied with any of the decisions I make.  This is the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with I think.  It creates tensions between us I never thought possible.  I feel so far from my entire family right now.  I feel eons away.  I feel as if I don't even know them and that they don't know me at all, despite me growing up with them my entire life.  This sucks, and it hurts, and it's frustrating cause I just want to call my mom and tell her I want to go into college ministry and I want her to be happy that I've made a decision to pursue something I'm passionate about and something I believe God wants me to do.  But that is not going to happen.  They are skeptical.  They think I don't know anything of what I'm doing.  I tell them I believe God is leading me in a certain direction and they get quiet or start questioning or doubting and not once have I seen or experienced them happy or excited about my life since Christ came into it.  

I hate this, I hate this.

Oh lead me, lead me to the cross...

What just happened??

I say that a lot these days... many unexpected things have been gracing my life this semester, and who could have prepared me for it? At this moment I feel lost. Like there is no control in my life. Like the past three years here have cultivated immaturity, laziness, irresponsibility, naïvety... how did I let this happen? I look towards my future after college and see really how unprepared I am. It looms over me like a blackened cloud in one of those roadrunner cartoons. I feel as if the road has been pulled out right underneath my feet just to reveal empty space, no support, no structure. I realized today after reading what felt to me a nasty email my sis wrote, that I have lost control of my life and the feeling is unsettling. But isn't that good? Isn't that what Christians are supposed to do, give control to God? I feel as if that's what I've been working on since I became a follower last summer. Giving my life to Him, letting Him take control. But is there a fine line? Where does discipline come in? I thought that not worrying about my life after college was glorifying to Him. But to my family it means that I'm irresponsible and unprepared to tackle the real world, because I haven't solidified any plans or talked to them really about what I want to do. I mean, they just got news that God is leading me into ministry and that took me about 6 months to let that out of the bag. You can imagine how hard it is to be honest with my family about my desires to go into ministry, go into the missions field, work with the homeless... when I feel that all they are consumed with is success, preparedness, money, being ahead of the game, having plans, being organized. Yes those things have their merits, but where does trusting the Lord come into play?

I'm not having the best day, though hugs are making it better.

- Alicia